What is WRONG with me????????

Thanx for your words, Gram.  Makes me wish sometimes that I had gotten the chance to know my Grandmothers.

Yes, I am seeing a therapist and am on meds, but I feel stuck in a rut.  I go in to see him in 2 weeks and tried to see if I could get in earlier, and can't ~ he's on vacation.  I'm sure there is someone else to see, but I HATE starting with someone new and re-explaining my life, so I'm gonna grin and bear it til my own doc gets back.  (Is my stubborn Irish and Italian showing?  Haha.)

I have had 5 surgeries on my back and sometimes I think it's a combination of the physical pain I still endure (even though they put in a spinal stimulator ~ aka a dorsal colum nerve stimulator if anyone is insterested in learning more about one)

I'm sure you've noticed I've been pretty quiet lately, and this is why.  I am reading everything I can get my hands on, praying, gardening, journaling, walking although it's slow and painful with my cane, and unfortunately started smoking again. 

Stupid move on my part cuz I had been smoke free for 12 years, but for whoever is reading this, please don't lecture me on the smoking.  I know it's not good and I also know how to stop.  Did it before...I CAN AND WILL DO IT AGAIN.

What you said here sounded like you were inside my head AND my heart ~ it's how I feel every single day.  Thank you for understanding with the way you wrote this out ~ it'a greatly appreciated.

"That doesn't mean that their betrayal and hostility doesn't hurt. Far from it. It stabs far deeper than a cut from any knife and stings more than any injury ever could. It seeps deep into your soul and lurks there like a cloud, curling into each crevice of sorrow and planting fingers of self-doubt as though they were little seedlings of blame."

Your words gave me a boost ~ thank you for that.  It helps tremendously and I am so glad that we ran into each other on this crazy place called the 'net.  Do you have room to "adopt" a granddaugther even though she's 39?  lol.

I do have pets ~ and they keep me sane.  I have a dog, 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, a cockatiel, and fish.  My Goddaughter begged me to keep the turtle we found in the grass last weekend (he's about the size of a bottle cap) until he gets a little bigger, and of course I gave in.  I've always been a sucker for critters.

I think that's probably because we were never allowed ot have pets growing up ~ I feel like I'm making up for my childhood and also living vicariously thru Shannon's when it comes to t hings like that.

I've also continued up my volunteer work with the Alzeheimer's patients (playing piano/sing a longs), at the nursing home (anything from reading to helping write letters to doing hair and nails to just sittting and visiting b/c so many of them a re so INCREDBLY lonely) and I was co-leading a Girl Scout troop, but that's now done until next fall.

I know your days are full from dawn until dusk with all that you do ~ do you have any suggestions for how I can keep more busy?

ALSO:  IF ANYONE READING THIS HAS ANY GOOD SUGGESTIONS FOR BOOKS (ANYTHING BUT HARLEQUIN ROMANCES & SCIENCE FICTION) PLEASE LEAVE THEM HERE OR EMAIL ME AT arl0869@yahoo.com   FOR SOME REASON THE "INBOX" ON YEDDA DOES NOT SEEM TO WORK FOR ME.

Thanx again Gram ~ YOU'RE THE ABSOLUTE BESTESTESTESTES!!!  xoxoxoxoxo

Sweetheart, you are already doing so much good despite what you are going through. I've been where you are and didn't have that same fighting spirit that you do! Yes, you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. Your therapist needs to see you more then every 2 weeks, and as frustrating as it can be telling your story again to a new therapist, that new person may be the one who is able to help you like you need and deserve to be helped. Just writing your feelings here asking for help means that you want to fight this and need love, compassion and support. If you decide to stay with this therapist, then explain your pain and desperation and insist on the respect you deserve, the correct meds and dosage. Sometimes you need to try a few different meds until the right one is found, or a combination of them need to be used. Working with Alzheimers patients, nursing home patients and guiding young girls in the girl scouts.You are very special! You have the love from all these people and a world of respect! Your family? They are the ones missing out, and you are doing the right thing by re-directing the pain they've caused and are heading in the right direction. I'm so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. You'll get better, just do right by you and those who do appreciate you. And there are many! I'll look into books for you,ok? Much love!!

Ailie, if you like to read but don't have any current favorites; you might just head down to your local bookstore (or library) and browse through the shelves.

It's what I often used to do; not so much lately because I'm a book freak so I have to buy them instead of rent them from the library - and I'm tapped out at the moment!

The used bookstore is a good bet, though (if you have one nearby).

If you like mysteries (especially mysteries with sex) you might enjoy Alison Brennan (she writes them in sets of three, but all of them are connected). Karen Harper is good also, as is Donna Andrews (no sex, just insane situations with odd people and strong characters) and Charlaine Harris (I don't care for her vampire series, though).

Most of the time, we just browse through the shelves until we find an author we like, then we read all of his or her books until we've read them all; then we start the search over. Have fun reading! 

Ailie,

 JKGrandma is absolutely right. I was going to suggest going into the self-help section of the library or bookstore.There are authors who have written from experience having been through what you are experiencing now. Also Neale Donald Walsh has written very uplifting books as well. I think his type of writing would be good for you. You will learn that you are not and never will be alone, how to turn your thoughts into positive ones and that you are so very special! Of course that is your choice what type of book/author interests you.As JKGrandma said, just browse through the different sections. Something will certainly touch your heart and your soul, that you will be able to identify with in some way. Whether it's the self-help books i've mentioned above or somethings that 'takes you away' from it all.You can take Shannon with you as well.You can actually learn so much seeing things through a childs eyes, and I know she can learn a lot of positive things from you as well.Keeping a journal also helps, just writing down anything and everything that you are feeling.I've learned a lot about strength from you already sweetie.Things that have been said and done to you in the past are very painful.  The healing will begin when you can say to yourself that you will not go through another day letting their actions have any power over you.The less time you spend on those thoughts leaves more time for you to be good to yourself, and surrounding yourself with positive people who will see you for the special person that you are!

Thank you both ~ jotting down notes in my journal with your advice and book info.

Just finished one called "Penumbra", JKGram ~ you may enjoy it.

Picked up Marie Osmond's newest book and I'm very disappointed.  It's just like reading fluff.

Wish she'd really go into what her life is like instead of trying to sound like Lil Miss Cheery Pants.  I know she's been thru some hell, so thought perhaps I could relate.

Unfortunately, that's a big fat NO!

Much luv to you both ~ can you BOTH adopt me as a granddaughter? 

Hi Sweetie! 

  I agree with you about Marie Osmond. She would probably feel so much better if she let it all out-her hurt and pain.

  LOL, I just became a Grandma of a beautiful baby boy, I will adopt you and now have one of each!! How's that???

  I hope you are feeling better-I know you will! 'Grandma ' is here for you!

Sounds good to me, Jacobsnana!  I need an "adoptive Gramma"

I never got to know either of my Grandmothers and only knew one Grandfather until I was 12. 

Dad's Father died b/4 I was born ~ Dad's Mother died b/4 I reached 11 mos old ~

Mom's Mother died when I was a toddler, so the only memory I have of her was after she had her legs removed and was in a  wheelchair ~ I was afraid to go to her at first....

I am told that once I got used to the chair, I used to run to her and hop up on her lap. 

Unfortunately, I only know these things because of stories in my family from my Mom, Aunts, Uncles, and older cousins.   

It's odd, but I have always missed her ~ even though I just have fuzzy memories of her. 

I honestly think sometimes that if my Grandparents were living, they'd tell my parents to pull their heads outta their bunz and to actually DO something about the situation that I'm in as far as my sisters go...don't think they'd stand for it ONE BIT!

Sorry ~ just had to "vent" ~

Thanks to my newly adopted "Grandma" ~ I appreciate it ~  and you!!!

*huge hugz*

You are so very welcome sweetie!

   I'm sure you have memories of your grandma  (even though they are fuzzy) because the short time you spent with her made you feel so happy- so loved. That's what you miss and cherish so much. Right now because of all the good you've been doing for those around you, you are passing on the love and kindness that was shown to you by your grandparents. That is exactly what they would have wanted sweetie. Just keep being 'you' , and everything you've given of yourself will be rewarded in time. Do some nice things for yourself as well, you certainly deserve it!

Hugssssss to you too!