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Verbal abuser yes or no?

Wow this is not easy. Okay married 16 years. My husband says he loves me but whenever we fight he always resorts to name calling for me and my family. Says that he married beneith him, that my family is trailer trash. (I have never lived in a trailer) that I am a moron and it just gets better. He can spend money on Cars, Car parts and anything else that he may want. Fights with me every month that I spent to much money on food or items for our daughter. (I work full time he has decided to retire) I have not lost my self esteem I am pretty strong in that regard I do not believe what he says about me because I know who I am. What bothers me is how can someone who says they Love you say things that are aimed to really hurt. I do not do this to him or anyone else, even if I am very angry I measure my words so that I do not say something that is not true or I will later regret. I am so tired of this verbal abuse that I just want him to go away. He has said that he is moving out about 20 times in the last 2 months but then after a couple of days acts like nothing happened and everything is just fine. He even spoke to our teenage daughter and told her he was leaving because my sister was visiting to help care for our mother and he does not like her. Now that you do not think I have taken advantage of my Husband I will explain that in the 16 years we have been married I raised 2 of his Children from a previous marriage and loved them as my own, His mother came to live in the area and I lost a lot of time from my business to take her to her doctors appointments, shopping etc. All holidays were with his family not mine. All company tht we had was his family whom I cooked, cleaned up after and entertained gladly I enjoyed the visits. Never once did my family ever come to stay nor did they ever ask anything of us. We sent a lot of money out to his adult children. I co-signed a car loan for his daughter. SO I do not think I ever took advantage of him even though he claims I do constantly. Not sure what to do. I am uncertain if I am wrong or if he really is a controlling verbal abuser. Any advise would be helpful.

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Hi Samantha,

Yes, your husband is a controlling, verbal abuser, no doubt about it. It sounds to me like you have been the ideal wife. Always doing and caring for him and his family. He has never given you the same respect back. You deserve so much better then that. Next time he makes a threat to leave, go pack up his things. That way when he just seems to 'forget' about what he said, you can tell him you didn't forget and it's time for him to go. I'm proud of you for not having lost your self esteem, but now you need to show your self respect. No one should treat you the way your husband does, and it's time to teach him a bit of a lesson. Wishing you the best of luck. Stay strong.

Get the he-- out as it is only starting but dont look back take all you san and move on as you sound like one fine young lady you need some one that loves you for who & what you are. As you would be a fine catch for most men you are loveing and careing how much more can any man want.A fine young lady like you move on its called divorce. Pack up his bags and say GOOD BUY TO HIM. If i was married to a lady like you i would keep you.

Equal justice for All The law works but the system needs changed, We all abide by the law but sometime it failes us. The same with the goverment. God bless the USA, Brign our troops HOME safely, To the men who did not get the credit they deserve, MAY GOD WATCH OVER OUR SERVICE MEN.

I disagree with you Sam... I think you know exactly what he is and are here looking for confirmation.  Sixteen years is a long time to simply walk away but you need to get him redirected for sure.  The problem with that is that now he is an old dog needing to learn some new  tricks.  You can get him to change but I have a bad feeling that it will take scaring him into thinking that you are leaving him before he will see a need to change.  

Ask him to go to counseling.  If he refuses, explain to him that you will no longer be subjected to his verbal abuse and explain to him what you are WILLING to do to end it.  Be sure to have this conversation during a period of calm.  You may well have to be willing to follow through in order to get his attention.  One more thing... the next time he refers to you as trailer trash, tell him, ' yep...and f---with me and you'll have to f---with the whole trailer park.  Then help him pack.

Good luck!

One day I said, 'I will go out & look for my enemies' and on that day I found no friends. The next day I said, 'I will go out & look for my friends' & on that day I found no enemies. ~YeddaHeads~

My dear lady I am sorry for the way this man has treated you and your family. It is a shame. I hope you will educate your daughter so that she won't believe that this is what a husband is suppose to look like; she should not go out to find a husband just like dad. She should go out to find one just the opposite. You are correct; he is an abuser. He is also a controller. Two of the worst qualities a man can posess. You have been a very good wife and served your family and his extended family quite well. You aare to be congratulated! Bless you. And to maintain your self esteem is most wonderful. I'm proud of you. You have gone befond the call of duty.  Now no one can tell you what to do from here. The question is will he ever change? My opinion as a counselor is he is not very likely to change because he most likely was raised by a father who was just as controling and abusive as he is now. This life style is all he knows because he saw it modeled and lived before him.  Please understand you may ask him to go to a trained therapist, hopefully with a PHd who could help him to understand where he came from and to adjust his behavior or at least see a well trained counselor.  Most pastors don't have the depth of trainging to help in such deep mataters unless you know one who can tell you he can had such training. It is possible for him to change but his ways run deep. If he is willing, and you want to do so , give it a try. Often as time passes one such as this may go on from verbal abuse to physical abuse. I ask you to not stay around for the physical so if it ever starts get out fast. Bless you my dear lady and carefully make your decision. There is hope with some hard work with a reained counselor. Controllers usually think they don't need any help. You do.

Love everybody!

I agree for most part with what Jada-Lynn and Funguy said above, but with a little variation:

1.  Yes, you sound like you've be a very unselfish person and greatly supported him and let him have it mostly "all his way" (like on the family visit matters, for example).

2.  However, he probably does not see it the same way as you do, and he might give a very different version of the facts. 

3.  It does sound to me like he is a very inconsiderate, self-centered, unappreciated person in general and clearly he is a "verbal abuser."

4.  In addition to all the above, it sounds like he is "using you" financially and that might be the only reason he sticks around and does not leave when he says he is going to.   The reality hits him:  "Uh, I will need to work of get money somewhere else, if i leave my wife."

5.  But you have 16 years invested in the marriage and did not say if you have children with him or their ages and you are still showing reservations about leaving him, as bad as he is from your description.

6.  Based on the facts you related, he sounds like a worthless S.O.B.  However, it is true (as someone said, even you suggested) that someone can love a spouse and still be verbally abusive.   It can be (as above suggested) that it was a learned trait from their own childhood; they adopted what they saw of their parents, thinking that is "normal".  

MY POINT AND SUGGESTION IS:  Try getting him to counseling with a psychologist (family counseling) and see if the counselor can make him admit and recognize that he is a verbal abuser ... that does happen at times, or he may be totally unwilling to see/admit it.   If he sees and admits it (the first step) the next question is DOES HE WANT TO CHANGE IT?   He might, he might now.  Best that he be asked by the counselor in your presence to see how he reacts to that question.  If AND ONLY IF, he admits his problem and agrees that he wants to change (and its sincere) then there is a chance of changing him to make him stop the verbal abuse and to become and express appreciation and respect to you.  I am not predicting he will (we have heard nothing from him yet).  I am ONLY saying is it possible; it does happen.

CAUTION:  This will NOT change (its deeply engrained for his whole life probably) unless 1.  He admits being a verbal abuser   2.  He really does love you (as he claims)  3.  He shows a real desire to LEARN and CHANGE his attitude and to END FOREVER the verbal abuse to you and 4. he agrees to be sensitive (and do things to show it) to your emotions and needs, and to show appreciation and respect to you.  He will need to keep going to counseling weekly (or monthly as it gets better) for some time.  If he won't do that, then he is not really committed to change and there is then a 99% chance he will NOT change at all (for more than a week or so, at best).

FURTHER CAUTION:  If you can get him to counseling and he does go to work on changing the verbal abuse and treating you kindly, you still have some other issues to work out:  His financial NON-contribution and complaining and Time sharing and respect in terms of your family and time with them.   Its impossible to say, but I think if you really had success in getting him to admit and correct his verbal abuse problem, then you might have a decent chance of getting the financial and family matters "improved" but only if he keeps getting counseling over a period of months of "cognitive therapy."     Is he worth all this, do you really want to try and remake him like this and is this just the "tip of the iceberg" as far as what is wrong with him?   We don't know; only you know.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you; you definitely deserve better and should expect better.



ROBonYEDDA@YAHOOl.com Wisdom comes from Study, Travel & Life experiences! MY YEDDA CONCEPT IS: Good questions deserve good answers; Poor ones deserve a quick/poor answer. Dumb or silly, deserves same ... and the occasional but inevitable Idiots are best just ignored.

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