Hallo I am an Indian female 39 yrs old. I am the only child of my parents and we are inter-religious familt with no religious beive but my parents are highly conservative on social and cultural practices. I have a troubled childhood experiencing nonstop fighting between parents. My teenage was no better as then my dominant father divided to teach lessons to me. When I went abroad at the age of 25 that was peaceful escape. I finished my Ph.D. in social science from a leading university in Europe and was desperate not to be back home in bad emotional situations, so I guess wrongly married a European, with whom I did not gave \ big compatibility. No wonder he started revealing his nature and marriage collapsed. My parents accepted me back home unhappily and they were very ashamed. Even five years after divorce I had to pretend that I was still married in our society for my parents. I was discouraged to take up an independent career and I had to hive up 3 excellent job offers to satisfy my parents. My parents have their rules. No socialisation is allowed gor me, do not have sty friend, no psychological counselling is allowed either. They always verbally abuse me and make it clear that I am a big shame to the family. They compare me always with success stories of my cousins. Anyway I developed severe fibromyalgia and was taken to an orthopaedic. He suggested dome counselling and gave me high dosage of anti-depressant which helped me a lot. But then my parents dismiss that doctor and till date I am taking dulane 70 mg each day with no more medical supervision. I past five years many things changed in my life, divorce, returning to India, adjusting to new rules, my father suffering from deadly heart disease, my mother also ill. Then some months back my parents told me that they would like to find a match for me and without even en asking me anything introduced to me absurd profiles, which I could not accept, like 20 years age difference, someone with 3children etc. When I said no to their choices they asked me to find one for myself in the internet. For a long time, after divorce in 2002, I suppressed all my desires for family and children and I decided to live alone. Now going through internet has regenerated a big urge inside me for a family and child. But I did not find many good matches at the beginning. Then I met this man, Hindu Bengali from my city. We met 3-4 times, I liked him, we talked hours together over phone and he declared that I am the biggest love in his life. By the way this nan is a divorcee too. Then I was very happy, gradually I asked him for marriage, like magic that changed the picture, he said I am not a pure hindu so his family (widow mother and married sister) would never accept me as his wife, that they have arranged a match for him, that he cannot go against his family and the fact that he should marry that girl. The girl?s strength inculdes younger in age 36, so better chance of having a baby, not well educated a very house wife type, she is not a divorcee but widow and full hindu. This man told me that he should just marry the girl for family, but he will be in love with me as he feels no intellectual compatibility with the other girl. I was stunned and then rejected his extra marital option. But now I feel so low, really like a loser, I love him so much, it hearts to take a distance from him, I am back to square again. I am in tears most of the time, very depressed can?t share this with anyone either. I just do not feel worth continuing, do not know how to overcome this added issue with existing family problem. I wanted to escape again and it seems there is only one escape left for me to be in eternal peace. Is there any help for ne without letting my parents know about it? I will be very grateful for any comment. Thank you, Bristi
