Sex addicted partner

Hi Marie

You describe what seems to be a complicated relationship where you're expected to give more than you want to, while it seems you're also getting less than you expect.  You didn't say how long you've been in a relationship, but you are 29, and it seems you've reached a stage where you want to know that this partner is the right one. You sound concerned about his habits, and insecure about your ability to maintain your mutual life together.

I am not sure anyone can make the decision for you, but maybe the real question should be whether you're getting what you need. If you are, it's worth fighting for. If not, maybe not... 

I fail to understand the type of relaionship you have with your boyfriend. It sounds to me that you serve as a "filler." Can you really build a long-term relaionship with him? Is it really worth it. Free yourself and build a strong loving relationship with someone else before your biological clock runs down.

Hi

We do have a very complicated relationship. I have a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship my partner also has a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he doesnt see for reasons beyond his control he has tryed in the past ( can explain more if you would like ). My partner has took on my daughter as his own child and she calls him dad. Its complicated because he has always done the porn in other relationships and as a teenage boy. His parents bought him up around porn ( not sure how ) i think it was always a part of there realtionship and he saw mags and vids etc. He was also in a realtionship before he was with me and this was with my sister. He first slept with my sister again behind my back only once after we had been together a yr and a few months later he did the same with my best friend he told me the first time but the second time he lied well they both did for well over a yr he has also been accused of sleeping with another one of my sisters. Now we have been with each other for 7 yrs im a large person and the porn he looks at etc is skinny girls so i dont know if im to fat although he says its not me could really do with a friend to condfide in but dont have anyone if you would like to email me my addy marie_20055@yahoo.com

I think it really depends on what you feel comfortable with, the way you speak about it, it seem that you see the cheating and the porn as the same thing. To me however - porn and masturbation is pretty harmless, while cheating will probably get me to pack my bags and leave.

I understand that the situation is complicated on account of your daughter,  however, I think that the first thing you should ask yourself is "do I really want to be with this guy?" a lot of children go through their parents divorce and come out OK - I don't think that you having a child is a good enough reason to stay.

I also think you should ask yourself, why,  aside of having a child who needs security in her life, you choose to stay in a relationship with a guy who's addicted to sex. What is it that the relationship, in it's current form gives you.

Sex addiction is a mental \ physical condition, it will not solve itself with just you getting upset and telling your partner that you are insulted by his behavior. Even ultimatum of leaving and so on, don't solve the problem - he probably have very little control over this. The only way to solve a sex addiction, as an other serious addiction is through therapy and maybe a 12 step program. If your partner is serious about getting over this problem, then he should start some from of therapy and work on getting rid of his addiction. If he's not serious about getting rid of the addiction, then basically, I think you should leave cause he's just going to go on with this.

In a later stage the two of you might consider couple therapy to try and restore the trust and  intimacy that was taken away from the relationship by his sex addiction.

For more information about sex addiction and how to deal with it:

SAA (sex addict anonymous) 

12 Questions - see if you have a problem 

Sex addiction help 

Hi Marie,

I read: you question, the answers, and your reply.  To make it short: Get quickly a professional advise.  I have the feeling you don't love your partber, hate his behaviour, suffer from his un-faithfullness.....  and the only reason you stay with him is his good relations with your daughter...  In between your words I feel that you don't love yourself enough.....  and if you don't love yourself how could others love you ? ....   My advise: Start loving yourself (do whatever has to be done !), raise your self confidence, and think deeply if this guy is worth you....  Personally I wouldn't stay with him for 1 minute..... 
My mother taught me: "Better stand twisted and tell the truth, rather than stand staight and twist your words"....  I didn't wrote you nice words but I wrote you what I think is the utmost truth.....
Hope you'll fix this bad problem,
Best regards,
D"r D. Oron

Marie, if you love your partner you will help him get help. There is help out there if he wants it through the 12 step program, but he must get a local meeting and work at it, so he must be motivated. And there are often meetings for people like you living with an addict. Your lives can be turned around with help and effort. You are not alone, I hope it works out

If he is not willing to go for therapy break the relationship that does not offer you anything but heartache

Is he that committed to you?  I see nothing that tells me he is.  If an on line dating service doesn't tell you he is looking to do others often then wise yourself up.  Read a book I have found very helpful.  This book will mature your own sexuality and soon you will be more then enough for this guy to handle if you still think you need him after the book. 

It is called The Female Guide to Sensual Pleasures by T D Katz

 

This is also good for dead relationships as well.  My mom gave me this book and I am so glad she did.  I am still with the man I was with but turned everything around.  He was always going out and I know he was with others.  I learned to revamp my own sexuality and now he worships me for who I am and looks no further then where he is supossed to.  He fears losing me now not the other way around.