Hi everyone, I seem to be in a self destructive ...

The best way to help yourself is to seek therapy.  Sometimes, if we are in a good relationship, we will sabotage ourselves because, on some level, we don't feel worthy or good enough to be in that relationship. That is just one possibility though.  You also don't go into details about the specific situations that you are refering to.  Its always important to look at the actions of both parties in relationship counseling. Your situation is one that merits a very close and honest look at what is causing these problems. Seek a good counselor.  It will help.

Elena

Isabelle, I run across this every day at work.

Have you EVER been to a feminist meeting where they showed films of ANY sort, or have you EVER watched Oprah, Rosie,,or ANY other "feminist" broadcast?

If you EVER did, then you suffer from subliminal programming.  It only takes ONE of these shows to make you meaner than a snake and self-destructive innALL your relationships.

The rationale is that, if you are miserable, you will blame your misery on a man, thereby you will join the rank-and file of the failed feminine supremacist cult (abbreviated "feminist").  You may have been coerced to watch one or more of these subliminal perception films in school when you were younger or even in a paid ad run by a well-funded feminist group.

Here is the solution. 

1.  IMMEDIATELY cease ALL passivity.  You have a great relationship with a good man, and he does not want a burden.  Rather, he wants a wife. 

2.  Realize how these people hoodwinked you.  They were brainwashed also, from the same source.

3.  Be strong and forgiving.  When you come to your senses and realize that the games you have been subtly programmed to play have gotten in the way of a durable and secure reelationship, it will be easier to cease playing them.

4.  Realize that your man has overlooked lots of games already, and would appreciate a bit of genuine honesty.  The reason you came out over the competition was that you played the fewest games, therefore, you were the woman he could trust better than those dingbats who never seemed to be trustworthy.

5.  Look to the bright side.  You are strong enough to change yourself, and not change the man you love.  It may be the highest sort of feminist empowerment to change your man, but realize that he was at the optimum when he married you, and you were not at the optimum.  Therefore, come up to the optimum.

6.  Come right out and ask what changes he wants you to make in yourself, and then, make them.  If he cusses, drinks, smokes, etc. and you find this objectionable, ask him to change also, to make your marriage better and more durable.

7.  Realize that sex is not the glue that holds a marriage together: love is that glue.  Strengthen the glue, and you strengthen the bond.  You must love him as much as he loves you.

You will not hear this from a feminine supremacist cult indoctrinated therapist: they will give you didactic, non-professional advice and then resort to drugs that dull your mind and make you less attractive. 

Honey, you already know what to do.  So, do it.

Thanks for the 2 replies. Elena, you asked for an example... so here's one -though lengthy- to illustrate.

My husband is a realtor and we rarely have a day off together. This Thanksgiving was going to be our first in a long time, and my husband promised that we would do something special of my choosing. So, I was looking forward to and counting on spending a nice day together. It just so happened that we had quite a spontaneous and lovely time the evening before. We watched a movie together, as well as had time for *more*, though nothing too special or out of the ordinary. I expressed to my husband how much I had enjoyed the evening but didn't realize that he felt it compensated in his view for the time he had promised me for the following day. The next day, I waited and waited for him to stop doing odd jobs on his computer while playing online games (along with chatting with his opponents - who happen to be mostly female). I know that he was getting work done, and I also know that he looooves playing games, especially that one. And so, I don't think he was doing this for the social contact, but for the love of the game itself. Still while he spent the afternoon and evening doing that, I felt left out, and totally alone. I guess the reason I didn't say anything at the time is that he seemed so immersed in what he was doing.

When it was finally time to go to bed and he stopped, I brought it up, and he was totally taken aback... we had had a lovely evening the night before, and he felt this was an excessive "need for attention" on my part. In the end we both left the conversation confused and hurt. Me, for feeling that I was being too demanding of him and unappreciative, and he, for feeling frustrated, and unappreciated... sigh..

Hi Isabella,

  I am going to send a reply to your personal mail here.  If you don't get it, let me know.

 Elena

Thanks Elena, I never did receive your reply - though I'm new to this site so may not be looking in the right spot.

Boy, I haven't been on the site long enough to know why that happened, LOL.  When people have contacted me(as in telling me that they have chosen me as a contact), there was a screen that came up when I logged in.

Anyway, I will answer here, because I don't want you to go without feedback.  If you want after that, I can give you my regular email address and we can communicate that way.

My husband is a realtor and we rarely have a day off together. This Thanksgiving was going to be our first in a long time, and my husband promised that we would do something special of my choosing. So, I was looking forward to and counting on spending a nice day together. It just so happened that we had quite a spontaneous and lovely time the evening before. We watched a movie together, as well as had time for *more*, though nothing too special or out of the ordinary. I expressed to my husband how much I had enjoyed the evening but didn't realize that he felt it compensated in his view for the time he had promised me for the following day. The next day, I waited and waited for him to stop doing odd jobs on his computer while playing online games (along with chatting with his opponents - who happen to be mostly female). I know that he was getting work done, and I also know that he looooves playing games, especially that one. And so, I don't think he was doing this for the social contact, but for the love of the game itself. Still while he spent the afternoon and evening doing that, I felt left out, and totally alone. I guess the reason I didn't say anything at the time is that he seemed so immersed in what he was doing.
When it was finally time to go to bed and he stopped, I brought it up, and he was totally taken aback... we had had a lovely evening the night before, and he felt this was an excessive "need for attention" on my part. In the end we both left the conversation confused and hurt. Me, for feeling that I was being too demanding of him and unappreciative, and he, for feeling frustrated, and unappreciated... sigh
A couple of things are really evident here.  There is a lack of communication on both of your parts.  It would have been perfectly within your rights to ask him, when it did not seem like he was going to go through with the prior plans that the two of you made.  Something like, "Hey, what time are we planning on going out, I want to know how much time I have to get ready."  His communication was lacking in that he failed to acknowledge to you or check with you about his wanting to change the plans.  No where in this scenario do I detect anything sabotaging on your part.  The fact that he was not kindly receptive to your inquiry does not mean that you were wrong to ask.  I have to tell you that I see no "excessive need for attention" in the scenario that you have written above.  I do see a situation that, multiplied over many times, could be distructive to a relationship. We begin to feel alone in a relationship when we cannot be open about our feelings, when we have to stuff our feelings and when enough of our basic needs for intimacy and closeness are not met. 
I am going to close with this, but, I hope to hear back from you.  The sadness was very palpable in your writing about the incident above.  Good relationship is a sharing, back and forth between the two partners... with the exception of difficult situations like illness or the like, it is not about anyone having to subordinate their needs to the other partner needs.
I still can't figure out where my first letter went, LOL!  Oh well...
Hope to hear from you soon,
Elena
 

 




 







 
 








 

Hello friend, I can understand your feelings of distruction and the person you are dealing with may have inner feelings about your behavior that may cause a seperation one day.   You need to re-evaluate where your coming from first and then ask yourself today, is this the type of person do I want to be?  There are many mixed feelings that seem to be happening in your life and sometimes I am gathering that your jealousy is contributing to it.  Did you know that out of 100 women and men, about 30% of them is displaying their state of depression?, low self-esteem, and some it is a serious mental disorder which for some it is mild to moderately critical.  I was told I could be having like a multiple personality type that really scares the creature out of me.  I recommend you take a look at a site or google this word.  Bi-polar disorder.  This to my understand is very much similiar to what I have experienced but yes it can be treated and yes self-managed.  Unexpected behavior and blow ups especially to someone you love is going to reverse in time with your partner.  I also learned that those who have this rare behavior may have had some tramatic experience in their life, but again everyone is treated or diagnosed differently.  If you work long hours and a stressful work enviroment, that may trigger again because your not the type that may not want to hear about others problems or deal with sensitive issues.  Really it could be as having a bad day and then your reaction as it seems may be unrealistic or inappropriate behavior by so called latching out at someone for no reason.  The current everyday challenges in daily living and coping with keeping a solid relationship takes time to heal.  It never is too late if your willing to share your feelings in a calmly manner to your spouse.  Most partners will want to walk away because he or she is unable to cope or deal with this type of problem.    

I recommend that you check out this word called Bi-polar disorder.  This can be sought in health magazines and other resources that speaks specifically about this topic.  Your doctor can be one to visit and find out if your carrying this disease.  This is not to say that because we have emotional issues and other things that a similiar, but there are other ways to avoid this.  It is like any other disorder that is out there.  Treatment programs are available.  So if your feeling angry for no reason or thinking otherwise unhealthy thoughts about life in general this may be the time to seek proffessional help.  And finallly it's an important topic to share mutually with your partner and ask him or her to give you feed-back of how they feel about the behavior.  Focus on your strenghts and work towards your weakness together.  How will it affect him or her and what can you both do to make your lives better without feeling guilty but develop that trust.