I have met someone who I have a very deep spiritual connection with. We live a fair distance apart (three hours) and it has been hard to find time in our working and personal lives to see each other. Thus, the times we did spend together were intense and everything has reached crisis point. We have both come to rely on each other and felt upset when we needed the other person and they were three hours away. That put a lot of pressure on us and the relationship has ended. I know neither of us want to be without the other. His greatest fear is that because of our deep, deep bond he will end up hating me if things ever turn sour and would therefore rather pass up the opportunity to experience the happiness being together could bring. He is so totally focussed on the 'what ifs?' which may never happen. 'What if we fight and you hurt me? What if our love fades?' etc. When I asked him what bad times we had ever had together he couldn't tell me one. He won't see that the good far outweighs the bad. How can I help him to understand that living life ruled by our fears is not living at all? There are the 'what ifs', but they may NEVER Happen. If I stopped myself from doing something every time I thought 'what if....' I never would have met him. I want to be with him more than I have ever wanted another person. I have never felt so totally comfortable with someone. When I am with him, I do not feel self conscious about my body, I feel beautiful and I feel loved unconditionally. For the first time, I am able to completely be myself with someone. I am willing to work on ways to curb the intensity so there is less pressure on both of us, but he is not. Please offer any advice on how I can repair this relationship and how I can help him to stop being so fatalistic and only focussing on the negatives.
I think that you should tell him exactly what you have written here. You should of course focus on the positive parts of your relationship, and if you both feel the same way, that there is only this relationship, and that you have to do what it takes to make it work, then I think that you have another conversation to have. 3 hours is of course better than living in another country, but on the other hand, it sounds to me like you guys need to think long and hard about how you can live together, and how you can make changes in your lives in order to make things easier on the relationship. Sacrifices are needed for love, and I think that you can make this work. You both just have to be willing to do what it takes.
it sounds like only he can change his what if mentality or you would become his psychologist. As per one of your other answers I also think you need to talk about the practicalities of the relationship if it is to work out and see if there is a next step that will make it easier like one of you moving, etc. as your current situation is obviously not working if you have broken up. Sounds like you have something good but timing and having same priorities can often make or break a relationship even more than the connection I find.
Believe me, the focus may be better on how you can live your life, and give him the freedom to choose. You would not want him to put pressure on you. Let him know your fellings for him and in ways possible, be there for him. Short of one of you moving, that is the most many people can do. Above all else, respect each other and trust in the Creator to lead you.
just tell him what u think if he loves u ll hell respect that
I don't want to bring you down at all but I would be very suspicious of this man's intentions, you say when you see each other it's intense because it's so rare, i'm guessing you sleep together on these occasions and I think he's been using you and your mind wants to make excuses for him because you can't believe he doesn't want the same as you. If he loved you as much as you love him he wouldn't be hesitating. I think he's using the "what if's" as an excuse not to get too involved. The fact that your now split up shows that he doesn't mind the relationship ending and nobody is that silly as to end a beautiful thing over the what ifs because love doesn't work like that. Your relationship is casual however intense or special it was to you, I think he's worked you out really well and has been having exactly what he wanted. I'm not saying it was all about sex i'm sure he had fun with you and enjoyed your company but your not "the one" for him. I'm sorry that is how I feel and i'm trying to be cruel to be kind. Good luck in everything and I hope this has helped even if you don't think i'm right-perhaps it's good to get all viewpoints sometimes.
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