How to communicate with someone who refuses to ...

Unfortunately emotional abuse is not as well publicised as physical abuse but its effects can be just as serious.  My personal view from reading what you have said, is that your relationship is over, and deep down you know that.  You are not providing a good role model for your kids or yourself.  Much as the trauma of the break up will be hard on them and you, I believe that you will look back in a few years time and see that it was the best decision you made.  Try to get some counseling or therapy to help you through this, but it is something you need to do for the health of all your family. 

Here is an article that you might find useful, click here.

Good luck and be strong.

Alcoholics Anonymous is the answer.  Really, your words describe me and my older brothers.  I have near 20 years in AA.  One brother will certainly die from alcohol abuse and the other may be killed by his wife.  No one would blame her.  AA principles that I try to live by in order to stay sober and sane turns me from who you describe to a decent, nice person, so I've been told and I feel.  Anyone can benefit from this program.  The neurosis came long before the alcoholism.  Your guy suffers from only the neurosis.  Take him to a meeting and watch his eyes light up when others describe themself and it fits him perfect. 

You didn't call him your husband, so I am assunming that you two are not married.  You have no legal ties to this man.  He isn't interested in what you think, or what you want, or who you are.  It is time to make a real life for yourself.  I know exactly how you feel.  You have changed the woman you were into someone that can live in a situation you hate.  You have lost yourself in all that silence.  I am also going to assume that finances are one reason that you have stayed as long as you have.  Can you support yourself and your kids without him?  Do you have friends or family that you could stay with or that you could get help from?  Once you make the decision to go, you will start to feel more alive.  Your relationship has been about silence and stagnation.  Once you start to make proactive choices for your future, you will begin to live again.

Keep us posted and updated on what you are doing.  I will be praying that you find a solution so that you can leave and then become yourself again.  Living as someone else is exhausting, and the fear and stress of it can be debilitating.  Hang in there.  We are all here for you at Yedda!

   Dear christina,

      As usual I must agree with skitch- 2 thumbs up. And, as usual, I would just like to add...

     You are certainly hurting, and suffering from depression. You feel that your life is no longer in your control. You have learned to believe that you are a victim. This creates great fear. This creates great doubt. You question yourself and who you are.

    Because of conflicting beliefs within you, a weakness is developing. You feel this weakness and react to your awareness of it. This makes you more depressed. This can be challenging; but you can become stronger because of it. Change your way of thinking to that of confidence in yourself, respect for yourself. You can remember who you are. You can regain balance.

    Seek help from those who are close and have love for you. The Love of a friend can be most supportive. You may appreciate 'moral' support. But, in the meantime, you must come back to your way of thinking. Your beliefs about yourself and your reality. How have these beliefs changed? Use a pencil and paper and write these things down. Remind yourself of where your own personal power is. Allow yourself to relax. and calm down.

      You can find what you need to help you with your situation, but the bottom line is with in your mind, your integrity, your spirit. Remember who you are. Remember your inner beauty and relax. You will know what to do, and if necessary you will find support.

     Your partner is expressing nothing but fear by refusing to talk to you. He reacts with anger in order to protect himself from his fear. This is not uncommon. He needs to become courageous enough to face his fears and 'open' up to you. You may be able to speak to him very calmly, without 'striking' any 'cords,' and get him to open up. As you have learned, this may be challenging. If, however he refuses any attempt to communicate, you still must take care of yourself. As I said earlier; with an inner awareness, clarity of mind, and support from others.

      Within a relationship communication is everything. It can make or break it. Take care of yourself.

                                          With Kind Regards,

                                                                     Daniel

i totally feel you i am in the very same situation with no answers i am triing to just let it go thow it is not what i want for my family, i'm just meeting up with old friends and getting a life everytime he makes me feel unworthy i get lost for hours with no communication what so ever. up until now the insecurity shakes him a little but no real resolution, other than seeing my relationship slowly drifting apart. thow it hurts me i feel i can no longer try alone it really does take two. your question and your responses have done me some good also. i joined yedda and know how to respond to advices but do not know how to get in to ask questions over my own issues. i'm glad you asked and i thank you all for the great advices. this is one question i'd like to stay on top of. thank you and all. good luck to both of us.

This is not solveable. He will not go to counseling and you do not deserve to be emotionally abused. Go to counseling by yourself. Whether you tell him or not is your decision. If you do, simply say you are not happy in your marriege and you have a right to be happy. In any case, your children are witnessing their father's treatment of you and you can be sure they will mimic it in their own relationships. They cannot thrive in these circumstances. Every day injures them more. Write him a note telling him you are very deeply hurt and cannot continue to have a relationship with him. But first get your affairs and finances in order.  Good luck. 

thow i know it is difficult, find away to apart from this man. take your time and do it how it best fits you and your situation, even if it takes you for ever, never stop triing one day you will part, when your heart gives out and cannot take more you will know you are ready, noone can advice you to stay or go, your heart will let you know. people like that do not change especially if he is passed his 30's. much less after 7 years. i am in the same predicament, but for 11 years now and trust me i know it is no walk in the park. pray to god! to lead your way. i do everyday.

good luck!

Sorry to say but you need to get out while you can. You dont say your age or if you're married to this guy, but trust me! you cant change him, or anybody! change comes from within! the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior! my husband has been doing this for 26 years. He used to throw tantrums, then sulk..now that he's old, he just sulks! If I didnt have great friends, & a good sense of myself (I was 40 when we married) Id have been committed years ago...But..I cash the checks & say to myself.."beats the hell out of struggling"..but thats just me. No kids here..With kids it would have been intolerable. & recently I had brief contact after with his ex=wife, who, even after 35 years..hates him w/passion! I can only imagine how it was for her. She was young w/2 small kids. Often I think with regret of the other lives I could have been living. & my husband is not a bad person..on the contrary, he's a good guy, just has no communication skills, no conflict resolution skills, and no interest in learning. So, take your kids & move on to healthier living. No second chances...if you're asking if you should leave..you should. Good Luck..