psychology

My fiance, John, is having chronic problems with ...

My fiance, John, is having chronic problems with guilt, anxiety and depression that is affecting our family and relationship. He constantly feels guilty about the past regarding his family. His brother, Edward, is in a half way house and John is constantly worried about him. John wandered a few weeks ago in Queens, NY looking for his brother. He is worried that his brother is in some kind of trouble and he cannot get in contact with him. Edward has a history of crime he has been locked up in prison a few times for stealing prescription drugs. He also has used John's identity to get whatever he wants and has also put his own parents in major debt. John also feels guilty about not able to take care of his parents. As an Asian person they are suppose to take care of their aging parents. He does not make enough at his current job to take care of us and his parents and it makes him feel bad. His parents always ask for help with money due to the enormous debt they are in due his brother's criminal actions. John would work during the evening as a limo driver and lie to me that something came up and be out all night sometimes until 6am the next morning and not call me or take my calls. He stays alone drinking, crying and feeling sorry for himself. He also claims to feel that his is afraid of success and failure when it comes to work and a career. I feel very angry when he does this and I can't take it anymore. I am losing trust in him. I try to talk to him and explain that he cannot abandon his own family and cannot save the world! He must take care of his own family before he can help others. I cannot stress this to him enough! This has been going on for 5 years probably more probably since we started dating. He tends to cut off communication with everyone when he feels this way. I told him he needs to speak with a professional and get advice and resolve this guilt or he might wind up losing his family. Please help us ASAP. Sylvia

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Answers

annette Answered:

Sweetheart you need far more help than anyone on here can give you. Your boyfriend needs to see a therapist who can help him deal with his anxieties and insecurities, and feelings of failure. He has to be made to realize that he can't blame himself for his brother's behavior and past activities. And he is not responsible for his parents financial difficulties related to his brother's illegal actions. If his parents have wasted all their money trying to bail their irresponsible son out of his jams, that is their problem, not John's, and he shouldn't feel obligated to bail them out. As you yourself stated, John cannot save the world and he has to come to that realization before it destroys him. Guilt is one of the hardest feelings to deal with and he should have no reason to feel guilty for something over which he has not contributed, nor is responsible or has any control to change. His brother IS the PROBLEM, and is destroying the whole family with his actions.

Try your hardest to talk him into seeing a professional, for his sake and all those involved it is necessary! Good luck, you're going to need a lot of it, if you plan to stay with this guy and this myraid of problems.