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My wife refuses to be intimate with me. She says ...

My wife refuses to be intimate with me. She says she loves me, but does not "feel" love for me. She has had an affair in the last 3 years, that lasted about 2 years. We have been to counseling and I have made major changes in myself to benefit our marriage and be present for her. But she continues to push me away and is not present for me. Why is this happening? I don't understand how one can say they love you, but not "feel" love for that person?  

Let me add that we have 2 kids together. 

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There are many different kinds of love. Your wife is expressing one kind and you would prefer another.

According to your question, your wife spent TWO of the last three years involved with someone else. Obviously, your marriage had (and has) issues which caused her to behave in such a way; also obviously, counseling has not helped those issues.

It sounds to me as though your wife is ready to move on but just doesn't know how to say that to you in so many words.

It also sounds to me as though the "major changes" you made in yourself are changes that you made for the wrong reasons.

I understand that you made changes in order "to benefit (your) marriage," but perhaps you would have been best served to have made changes FOR BENEFIT OF YOURSELF. I say this because I want you to realize that changing something about yourself in order to make someone else respond in a certain manner will often lead nowhere - as you have discovered.

The only thing you can do now is decide what YOU want to do about this situation.

If you agree to live with things as they are, then that is your choice and you must be satisfied to do so without expecting your wife to change. If you do not wish to live out your days in an unequal relationship, then you and your wife should agree to part ways and you should do so without holding your wife up to blame or recriminations.

Neither decision will be easy, nor will the outcome. Good luck to the both of you.

Turn off the television and teach your children how to think. ~ Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. (B. Franklin) ~ I do not respond in Comments ~ Trespassers will be eaten. Cowards, idiots and spammers will be shot on sight. ~ YeddaHeads

Ditto! I agree, very well said. Time to move on dude, sounds like youre being strung along because she doesnt want to be direct and hurt you. Or she wants the best of both worlds, you and whoever else shes getting the physical stuff with. Lick your wounds and move on. You deserve better and to be loved. Good luck, grow a backbone, theres someone out there for you and if youre waisting your time on a lost cause you just might miss Miss right!

Hi Lehigh, -------- I'll be direct and blunt: Dump her. You did your best (changed and went to counseling) and she doesn't seem to be willing to go the extra mile (OK 100 feet.....) for your marriage.... and probably cheats or will cheat again.... She doesn't love you, and doesn't want your love.... Please realize that and DDDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPP her. You sure deserve more than that. SORRY (to tell you the bad news)!!! ------------- Best regards,

Love is the battery of life....

Thumbs up to JK and Mozuch. Well said!

As far as the children, Lehigh, realize that parents are role models for their children, whether the parents talk about situations or not.  Kids have an inate sense and can pick up what is going on in the home.  What type of life do you want for your children?  What are you teaching them?

If you do decide to part ways, make sure that you do it in such a way as to have the least impact on the children.  Divorce always impacts the children, but, parents who behave like children themselves, involving kids in the parental situation, can really scar children.


DenverSpiritualCounseling.com Bidden or not, God always enters in. Carl Jung

I think that you need to move on.  You've done things that will save yoour marriage but it did not help.  You cannot live a life with no love and  no physical intimacy.

     Please be sure to provide well for your kids when you divorce.  They are the innocent ones.

Take care and have a nice Easter Sunday!!!Smile

Be honest and be true to yourself.


I have made changes to benefit myself as well, not just my marriage.  I've taken a hard close look at how i was and why I did some of the things I did and how that affected others.  Counseling has helped me tremendously and has given me a lot of insight on relationships.

Thanks for everyones thoughts.


Lehigh, I am sorry that things don't seem to be working out as you would have wished.

Change is always difficult. I trust you will eventually end up in the right relationship for you, with someone who loves you unconditionally; in the way you deserve to be loved.

Take care.

Turn off the television and teach your children how to think. ~ Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. (B. Franklin) ~ I do not respond in Comments ~ Trespassers will be eaten. Cowards, idiots and spammers will be shot on sight. ~ YeddaHeads

What jkgrandma says is true , you need to decide on what makes you happy in life. Unconditionally!


Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.

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