I've been in love with this woman since we were ...

   I know you are feeling empty and afraid at this moment but consider your integrity. Consider your own personal power and what you deserve in this life. If you are completely honest with yourself you may find these answers on your own.

   You deserve the best in life no matter who you are. This is for everyone and that is why I can say this to you. There are no exceptions to this. With this in mind a sense of understanding and openess is necessary. If your friend is having difficulties and off balance, that is one thing. However if she is looking to change her perspective, to change her life, you do not want to get in the way of that. Do you truly love this person or are you afraid to be alone or rejected? I can assume that you truly love her; at the same time I see a great deal of fear here and that, I believe, is what is motivating you. Express the love for yourself and you can easily express this love for your friend and be able to accept her being happy because you love her.

   If you learn to love yourself, be confident in yourself you will be able to relax and know that everything will be alright even if you and she do not get back together. This togetherness will not "fix" you. Only your own attitude towards yourself will make the difference you are looking for. If she needs help you will know this and be able to help her. If she is "changing," you will understand and realize that it is time for you to expand as well.

   Trust yourself and your own universe. Know that you are a being with integrity and be proud of who you are. It is important to take care of yourself because that is immediately reflected in your environment.

  I know that this is not a quick fix or an immediate help but this is the only true way to find what you feel you are missing.

 Dan thanks yes i've got a lot of issues i need to work on  but i'm just g oing to stand back and let her decide what to do we were  friends for a hell of a long time and will still be friends no matter what happens granted i  hope i'm the one in her life for ever

I wish the best for you.

Hi Daniel, I enjoy reading your words...Now, Bigboy, a few questions for you...After 2 yrs, what happened to suddenly make you doubt her? Can you recall a specific event that triggered these thoughts? Has she started treating you differently? What types of sites have you found her on and more importantly, what are her actions and intentions while on these sites? Flirting with men? Is she aware of your knowledge of these sites or does she hide it?

If you respond to some of these questions, it will give us a clearer picture of whats happening with you two. We look forward to hearing from you again.

Dan, I agree with 5th. It's obvious you are feeling insecure because she is visiting porn sites and I understand that because there are several threads going on now with women who are terrified that their husband/boyfriends visiting porn sites means they are commiting adultry. If she is commiting adultry you will know soon enough because this is not something that can be hidden for long. There will be changes and you will see them. I caution you not to confuse her visiting porn sites with adultry.

When I feel "that special time" or whatever the commercials say, I go to a free porn site, find a few videos I know my wife will enjoy, and we watch them together and ... well, you can fill in this blank. You are in love with this woman and she enjoys porn so why not share in a good thing. You can do this without letting her know, that you know she's into porn, by suggesting you spice up your sex life with a few videos. If she likes this idea, go to redtube.com and enjoy yourself. Remember, it's all free.

Bigboy, screen names can be used by more than one person, and some are pretty common nicknames.  That in itself means nothing as far as proving your girlfriend is doing anything at all.  So, this leaves us with two possibilities.  1)  You are imagining/mistaken that she is surfing these sites.  2) She really is surfing these sites.

   You don't say what kinds of sites these are (dating sites, porn sites, webcam or social sites), and since you were surfing these sites too, does this mean you were cheating on her?  I'm sure your answer is no.   Surfing is not cheating, though surfing dating sites would definitely seem to be a prologue to infidelity.

    You need to take a hard look at yourself and make sure you aren't overly suspicious.  You also need to figure out why you are discussing this with strangers anonymously, instead of directly talking to her about this.

    Given the fact that you were in love with her in childhood (or through high school), didn't see each other for thirty years, then became emotionally involved after reuniting, I would guess that you have idealized/romanticized her.  How much of what you think and feel about this woman is real, and how much have you projected onto her and yourself?

    Good luck on figuring all this out.  I hope you two talk it out and you replace any false ideas with the truth.