I have been married since March of this year. I have found that my husband has been lying about making calls to a lady friend of his that has loved him while being married. Supposidly this person is just a friend that needs a friend to talk to since she has lost her husband this year. She suffers with depression and needs someone to talk to. (why my husband-her only friend) I am aware of this lady but he lies about the calls and erases them from his phone. He won't talk about it and says I am jealous. That is not the case. I don't know why he feels that he needs to lie and that raises a red flag. I don't think that anything is going on but he won't talk about it and I don't know why. At one point they were having an affair while she was married. Oh by the way, her husband was his best friend. He is a good man but I can't take the lying.
You are in a very very very delicate situation. It can easily be inocent calls (to help a friend in need) and he hides it being afraid of your reaction. On the other hand it can be easily a romantic affair. Between the white and the black there are many shades of grey (in other words, between those 2 extremes lies the truth). It's time for a heart-2-heart discussion. Tell him exactly what you feel, what you think, that you need to know the truth, that you feel bad about his attempts to hide it from you. Don't forget to tell him that you love him and that he is dear to you and you want to creat an open atmosphere that is based on honesty openess and truth. Watch his reactions carefully and you'll know how to reat. If you are not sure ask another question or send me a private e-mail.
Yes , it could be innocent ,however he is hiding it from you , lies about it and then refuses to discuss it with you . It could be innocent of his behalf but not hers . He is allowing her to step in to the middle of his marriage . They have a history of infidelity with one another . I am sorry but your husband's past behavior with this woman ISN'T that of a good man . He had an affair with her the wife of his best friend , before you married him . Which proves he didn't respect and honor the marriage vow and commitment of his so called best friend. The best gage of future behavior is past behavior .
He is now disrespecting you and undermining your marriage . It is not jealousy it is called respect . He refuses to talk about his relationship with her in my opinion he is cutting you from that part of his life ,lies to you and is keeping secrets ,which has no room in loving relationship . Those who have nothing to hide , hide nothing . I would see red flags as well , due to his lies and erasing the calls from his phone. He is breaking the bond of trust , he is allowing outside interference in to your marriage . Two shall become one . Ones partner should never be the source of their pain .
So I agree with OronD it is time for a honest conversation with your husband . If he loves cherishes and values you he will take appropriate action and put an end to the lies and secret conversations . If he doesn't then you have a decision to make . Personally I'd kick his butt to the curb and never look back . You are his wife he should be more concerned about you than his friend . He is engaging in suspicious behavior which is why you are suspicious . I feel he is commiting emotional infidelity at best . Remember actions speak louder than words . If he wants to help this woman and this is all innocent why not involve you as well in helping her . Marriage is a partnership . Perhaps you should invite her over for dinner .
Listen to your inner voice it rarely leads us down the wrong path unless we turn a deaf ear to it .
I hope this is all innocent and your husband decides to respect and value you as any man does that loves a woman .
I agree that it's possible he has done nothing wrong (save the lying) and that he may be lying to you in order to avoid conflict.
However, the fact remains that you and your husband are now a unit. You are still relative newlyweds, so the fact that this former lover of his does not respect his relationship with you means that your husband isn't doing so, either.
You need to have a frank talk with your husband. Do not accuse or blame, but share. Tell him how you feel and why. Explain to him that his actions make you feel shut out. Let him know that his actions in lying and keeping the true details from you only feed the feelings he may be working so hard to avoid (jealousy and/or suspicion).
Communication is the key to the foundation of a successful relationship. The two of you need to back up and start again so you can build a strong relationship with each other aside from any outside friendships.
If your husband is unwilling to discuss the matter or to take steps to mend this problem, you should insist on marriage counseling. If he won't go, go without him.
You're gonna need it.
Later the lying will turn to worst. Yah maybe she dose need someone to talk to but most time if the two people had something in the past they will fall for each other again, i know from experience. I say if she needs someone to talk to and you don't mind, tell your husband to invite her over and you both can be there for her. Other wise if he wants to create problems between ya'll both he should let her heal herself. I'm sure she has family.
A good man doesn't have sex with a married woman, especially one who is married to his best friend. I hope he wasn't married or seriously involved with someone at that time. A good man doesn't lie to his wife. A good man doesn't erase calls he has made to hide evidence of "friendship" from his wife. Your mistake was marrying a bad man and thinking that you were somehow different from all the other women he has been involved with, and would be a good man with you. You need to re-evaluate your own values . . . . . . . you need to decide if you believe you are worth more than this "good" man. If you deserve better than the lies and the cheating, find a really good man.
I think he is hiding something, because he is lying. There is no need to hide something if your not doing wrong.
You have received some great advice and thumbs up to all.
Thanks for the invite Equus.
I have to agree. What health or other problems this woman may be facing, while sad, has nothing to do with the situation at hand.
A marriage is based on trust and your husband is annihilating that trust by lying and covering his tracks.
As his wife you have every right to know and understand this 'relationship' with this other woman and should not feel like you are snooping. At this point, anything less would be akin to sticking your head in the sand.
While it's true that people do sometimes lie because they simply wish to avoid conflict, it's also extremely immature and disrespectful.
You need to confront him with the facts. Explain to your husband, as OronD has suggested, that you wish to create an atmosphere that is based on honesty, trust, and open communication. While you're at it, explain to him that you'll have to create that atmosphere because currently, it doesn't exist within your marriage.
In order for a marriage to succeed, the two of you must establish and maintain a united front. It's supposed to be the two of you against the world from here on out. As Equus pointed out, he is allowing this woman to come between the two of you and your marriage cannot withstand that division.
I also agree with Tara about backing up and starting over with him because you can never proceed in a forward direction as things currently stand.
You need to re-think your own position and values, as Skitch suggested. You clearly have no firm boundaries in place and this is causing you to doubt your own inner voice.
Don't be afraid to set boundaries with your husband. Tell him up front.... this relationship is not acceptable. It might have been had you been honest and forthright from the beginning, but the mere fact that you felt and still feel the need to lie to me, your wife...........is proof enough to me that this cannot continue. Tell him point blank.... if you value me as your wife and if you value our marriage, this stops today. If not, show him the door and change the locks as he exits.
PS... This woman's husband was not your husband's friend because friends do not have sexual relationships with their friend's spouses.
This relationship cannot be trusted because the two of them have already been in a sexual relationship and did not value the other spouse or 'friendship.' They will not value you either.
Give your husband an ultimatum. Don't be shy about it... just tell him to decide. Your marriage or the relationship that is destroying it.
. He's covering up all the calls they have made with each other. You can not trust him especailly since they have had sexual relationship with each other before . What makes you think that they might not have sex with each other again? I say you need to leave your husband .
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