Humor me

Leave a joke. I'll start.

Little Janie was asked by her mom to go to the store, for a few things. "Mommy - Can I take Princess?" (Her little poodle). "No, honey", mom said. "Princess is in heat". "What's HEAT?", asked Janie. "Uh....Go ask your dad", said mom.

"Daddy - What's heat? Mommy said I can't take Princess to the store with me, because she's in HEAT!". "Well", dad said; stumbling Dad had been mowing the yard. Without giving her an answer; he opened the gas cap on the mower, dipped his finger in the tank; and applied the gas to little Princess's "Yoo-Hoo". "Janie, it's OK; you can take Princess to the store, now", dad said.

About an hour later; Janie came back, without Princess.

"Honey - Where's Princess?", daddy asked.

"Well, dad; she ran out of gas, on the way back", said But don't worry - one of the neighbor dogs is giving her a push home!"

Peas on earth, good will toward men

Lettuce not try to apeas one another with corny jokes, Beet it man or be squashed!

Little Jimmy the pit viper was out playing with his friends. Their favorite game was to slither into the neighbor's pits, where they would hiss and then slither away as quickly as they could.

They had a grand time, until one afternoon when little Jimmy slithered home, sobbing.

"What's the matter, Jimmy?" asked his mother.

"Well, I was out with Freddy and Billy and we were having fun. We went to Mrs. Hale's pit and we hissed, and hissed; then we went to Mr. Black's pit and we hissed some more; and finally we went to Mrs. Pott's pit and we hissed and we hissed and she came out and yelled at us!"

"Mrs. Pott is just an old grump," said his mother. "Don't worry about it. Why, I can remember when Mrs. Pott was so poor, she didn't have a pit to hiss in!"

So; if that causes you to tear your hair out...

does that mean you are the proud owner of a bald rabbit?

I'd love to have a cible conversation on this so I'll ask George and get back to you. Personally, I don't think there are peas at all.

Oh, thats corny.

My thumb joke.

 It's an early evening in a dark and smoky downtown bar. Two thumbs are sitting side by side on barstools, quaffing beer and talking.

"Hey," says the first thumb, "you're Irish, aren't you? I'd recognize that accent anywhere!" "Of course I'm Irish," says the second thumb. "Well, saints be praised, so am I!" replies the first. "Let me buy you a beer. "So Joe the bartender brings each of them another beer.

After a bit, the second thumb asks the first, "What part of the auld sod is your family from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "Really? That's where my family is from! My turn to buy YOU a drink. "So the second thumb calls over the bartender and they toast one another with their beers and keep talking.

"Where exactly in Dublin are you from?" asks the second thumb. "We lived on Killarney Street, on the west side of town," answers the first. "I can't believe this!" cries the second thumb. "I used to live on Killarney Street too." He waves at the bartender: "Joe, I want to buy this thumb another beer, and pour one for yourself while you're about it. "So, Joe brings over two more beers and pours one for himself.

"Wow," says the first thumb. "This is really amazing! What was your mother's name?" "Her name was Mary, may she rest in the arms of our heavenly father," comes the reply. "What!" Gasps the first thumb. "My mother's name was also Mary, may she rest in peace. Joe -- tell everyone in the place that the next round's on me!" So, Joe sets up everyone in the place with their next drink.

About this time another thumb comes in and sits down at the far end of the bar and motions Joe to bring him a whiskey. "Hiya, Joe," he says, reaching for his wallet. "How're things?" "Same-old, same-old," Joe answers, polishing a bit of brass with his apron. "The grill's on the fritz, the wife's sore at me, and -- oh, yeah -- the Thumb twins are plastered again."

If I get a colostomy; do I have a semi-colon? If so; what's a hyphen? Didn't Madonna have one of those?