Discuss RoseBush's answer to: Can I help my son come to terms with the new baby?

I am pregnant with my second child. My son is 13. His father and I are divorced; it was a bad marriage and my son was rejected by his father. Since the divorce, his father fades in and out of his ...

Your son is frightened more than angry and has seen that you stopped loving his father and wonders when you will stop loving him.  I think your son may feel that once you and your new husband are a "complete" family that you won't need him any more and that he will be pushed out of the relationship and will in effect have lost both parents and this is terrifying to him.  I can understand how he feels but the answer is not to punish him but rather to make him understand how love works.  My brother and his wife have seven children and someone once remarked to me that it must be difficult to divide up your love amongst that many children and I had to explain to him that you don't divide your love among your children--you MULTIPLY IT.  Your son needs to understand that concept.  Also, it would be helpful if your new husband reinforced that message as much as possible before the baby comes.  After all, it will be a long time before the new baby is old enough to take to a ball game and by the time the new baby is old enough to be involved in adult type activity, your older son will be away at college.  My sister had a son in her first marriage and divorced when he was an infant and he had almost no contact with his father.  She remarried and had two more children with her second husband but he also became the only father her oldest son really ever knew--and to her husbands credit, he loved his stepson and treated him just like the other two.  You don't mention what kind of relationship your son and husband have, but if they could work on bonding with some father-son activities it would be good for both of them.  Adolescence is tough enough without having to worry that your parents are going to give all their love to the new baby--and you need to definitely allow him to bond with the baby but be careful.  Anger and jealousy are a dangerous combination and if he sees the baby as the root of all his fears and a danger to him, there's a possibility it could escalate into something horrifying although I feel that's unlikely. As your new child grows older, it's going to be massively important not to play favorites although since you only have one child right now, you don't realize that while you love them all equally, you might like one better than another because they are different people; even if you don't consciously recognize it. If you aren't regular churchgoers, it might be good to start.  God and faith can give both of you a lot of peace and help him to understand the concept of unconditional love and prayer has helped many people.  Good luck and God bless.

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