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Posted by Geezer 3 years ago In:

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Geezer
Geezer Asked About 'Love & Sex on AOL Coaches'

HELP!

I've been married for 16 yrs. My wife's idea of a sex life is 4-6 times annually. I'm not kidding. I have made numerous attempts to work through the issue to no avail. I love her but this is beyond frustrating. How do I get her to discuss the problem in a constructive way?

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AimeeRed
AimeeRed Answered:

I would take her out on a "date" to do something that you guys love to do together and tell her how much you love her and that you want to work on this issue together.  Maybe the two of you can go to a sex counselor together, or there is something that you can do that might turn her on more often.  You just have to talk it through and find a solution.  You might not get as much sex as you'd ideally want, but the two of you can at least find something in the middle that makes you happier, and could make her happier in the end as well.

Never be afraid to try, remember... Amateurs built the ark Professionals built the Titanic
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Geezer
Geezer Answered:

Thanks Aimee, but I have tried the date suggestion. I even took her to the Dominican for 10 days on our 15th anniversary. Once. The whole time. I like the idea of the counsellor though....I may try that.

And its too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around....
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sammyperl
sammyperl Answered:

I agree with Aimee... I think that maybe just sitting with a third party and talking about how each of you feels could really make a difference.  Good luck Andy and hang in there!  Just because things are tough... don't go having sex with someone else like many guys would do.  Be strong and fight for your relationship.  Good luck

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Skitch
Skitch Answered:

What does she say when you ask her why she is no longer interested in being intimate with you?  Is she nearing menopause?  Sometimes, men start out conversations talking about themselves. "I need more sex.  I miss the closeness.  We need to work on this because I need change."  Perhaps if you ask her to talk about her needs, her wants, and don't put the pressure on her of hearing about you.  There is a reason she feels the way she does.  If she feels like the conversation is all about you and what you want, she may enter it with hostility, and nothing will be accomplished then. 

~ "Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace." Buddha ~ S.N.O.T.S., Inc. ~ ~
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Geezer
Geezer Answered:

Like I said, I've been married for 16 years and I've tried approaching it a variety of ways. The answer that seems to re-occur most often is that she doesn't want to as much as I do. She feels that things are fine and hints that my requests are unreasonable. We got married quite quickly after we got together and children followed very quickly after that. But the youngest is now 8 and it seems like the dry spell is not a spell but a season...

And its too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around....
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Skitch
Skitch Answered:

Besides seeking professional counseling, that leaves 2 choices.  Stay or go.  If you told her that the lack of sex was going to end the marriage, what would that do?

~ "Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace." Buddha ~ S.N.O.T.S., Inc. ~ ~
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Geezer
Geezer Answered:

Interesting question. I don't know. And don't want to find out. I don't like ultimatums and I don't think its there yet. I really don't want to throw in the towel on what is otherwise the most successful relationship I have. Yet. not without exploring every option first. I said to Aimee that i liked the counselling option and I think I'll ask her to try. I don't think its unreasonable. 

And its too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around....
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Geezer
Geezer Answered:

Ok. Flat "No" on the counselling suggestion. There's gotta be a way to do this without throwing everything away.

And its too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around....
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Skitch
Skitch Answered:

When you talk with her, have you explained that the lack of intimacy is HURTING your marriage?  Because if she isn't interested in saving your marriage, then that is the real problem.  That it is frustrating for you, but that it is endangering the marriage?

~ "Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace." Buddha ~ S.N.O.T.S., Inc. ~ ~
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