How do I handle my boyfriend's 11 year old son who is insanely jealous of my relationship with his dad? I try to give them as much "alone" time as possible, and I try to be nice and loving toward the boy, and we've explained to him that the love he feels for me is totally different than the love for his son & that no one can ever take the place of the son, so he doesn't need to feel threatened by our relationship. But, the boy is just making it unbearable to be around him because of his jealousy & rudeness & his bad, negative attitude!
I am afraid to tell you that you did exactly what you had to do and if he doesn't want to accept you all you can do is hope that time will be in your favour (he'll simply get older, better understand the situation, get to know you more and be more secure / confident with you). You didn't write it but I can understand that your boyfriend (his father) is backing you. If not (or even if he is passive) than you really have a huge probem (and the only solution, in that case, is to bring your relation to an end).
A few details are missing. How long have you and the child's father been together? Were you at all a factor in his father's divorce? Are you and his father living together? If so, how much time elapsed between the divorce and your residency? Did you meet the boy beforehand? And lastly, what does his father think of his son's behavior and attitude?
Please expand upon your original question. Once I have those details, I'll better be able to tell you what I think.
I as well have the same question were you a factor in the break up of the marriage ? I don't mean any disrespect but this is a question I always ask due to it being a big factor in the relationship with children , regardless to their age . If this is the case then while it may be difficult for you , it is understandable and normal . If I may also ask how old are you two and do you have children from a previous marriage and or relationship ?
I was going to answer until I read the posts.
You will get no meaningful answers until some more data is forthcoming.
Anonymous, I read your comment; thanks for giving us a bit more info.
Based on what you added, I suspect the child's behavior is based on a couple of things. First is the fact that he's a preteen ~ it kind of goes with the territory. Next is the fact that his father may tend to 'baby' him a bit. If that's true, then there may not be any repercussions for his bad behavior ~ which won't help nip it in the bud in the least. Finally, is the fact that your BF's son may very well be having some true feelings of jealousy and resentment.
If he behaved differently to you before you moved in with them, then I'd venture to say that's the crux of the problem, right there.
You and his father are not married and he doesn't know what's going to happen next. Regardless of how much he may like you, he may not want to get too close (or to like you too much) in case you and his father wind up splitting up, just like his parents did.
I suggest you nicely, but firmly, tell the child that you love him ~ but that you won't allow him to (fill in the blank). Please note that you will need to let him know ways that it's okay for him to express his anger or jealousy, i.e., "You cannot call me nasty names, but it's okay to say you wish I would move out."
Then make sure that you provide plenty of time and opportunity for dad and son to spend alone time together, as well as time for you and the child to bond together. (Regular family time for the three of you is also a good idea.)
Meanwhile, here's a link to a site that's geared specifically towards helping families in similar situations ~ meant for families with bonus children (or bonus parents), you might find answers to a lot of your questions here.
P.S. I do hope that you love and care for this child. Unfortunately, I get the sense from the way you phrased your question that it would be okay with you if he weren't around much ~ and if that's the case, then the child is picking up on your attitude and nothing's going to change until you change your thinking.
If I'm wrong, I apologize ~ but if I'm right, please think about what you're doing, won't you?
Other people asked questions on similar topics, check out the answers they received:
Other people asked questions on various topics, and are still waiting for answer. Would be great if you can take a sec and answer them