My daughter has two boys, ages 6 and 4, who are sweet but quarrelsome, especially the 4-year-old. He has a strong personality and throws terrible tantrums in public and at home when he does not get ...
What exactly is "everything" I had 5 children in 7 yrs. 4 of them were boys. We had no back talk or temper tantrums. Either would result in immediate and certain punishment, every time. What ever worked best for that child.
Comfort toy or blanket removed from their possession, Time out, no TV tonight, no video game, friends sent home, leaving the store immediately, even if the shopping isn't done, the other kids get snack of cookies and milk, you get crackers and water. The other kids go on the planned outing, you go home. If you are far from home, the other kids go on rides, you don't.
Do not try to reason with small children. They are not reasonable people. They think they rule the world. The punishment is not what is important. What is important is that the child know with CERTAINTY that some things are not done. The child will have IMMEDIATE UNPLEASANT consequences EVERY TIME the rules are violated. Do not give warnings or back off. Do not threaten what you cannot or will not carry out. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Sass or screaming and crying will change nothing, except there will be an additional consequence added. A temper tantrum will result in being put in their room. Throwing things in the room will result in the item being removed.
A child has no right to anything. The child has privileges, which are always revocable by the parent or caregiver. KEEP IN MIND YOU ARE THE PARENT. Do not give decision making to a child who does not have the mental capacity to make a sound, best for the child decision.
One friend of mine baby sat grandchildren while Mom worked. A favorite plaything was a large appliance box. It was a house, a cave, a garage. When the child was naughty, She could not be made to sit on a chair for a time out she kept getting up. So the box was upended, and became a jail. She knew when the box got turned up, she was in jail for an allotted time out. She quickly learned to obey Grandma's rules.
Another friend tells of heading out to dinner. The kids were acting up in the back seat. Requests for civilized behaviour went unheaded. So instead of going to the resturant planned, they went to Mc Donald's. Mom and Dad ordered the kids favorite things, took them home, served the kids leftovers, and ate the Mc Donalds themselves. After all, Mom and Dad weren't the ones misbehaving. It wasn't what they planned, it wasn't what they wanted, but it was an important lesson to the kids & they didn't forget it.
I've rambled on, with antedotes. I want you to understand there are many ways to control your children. The more you can think like the child, the more devious you can be, and the less likely you are to be tempted to hit. Begin and end with meaning what you say, and sticking to it, every time.
I cannot imagine handling situations like this. I understand kids need firm boundaries and guidance, all kids need/deserve that. I am very concerned if your children will become fearful, lacking respect for others (out of fear), become bullys, become stoic and unfeeling.
I've raised 4 kids and had a few minor problems. We have never done what you described. We encouraged the children to make decisions, to be loving, caring, compassionate people with a strong value system. They had boundaries, of course and were punished when they misbehaved.
All kids will misbehave. part of how they learn. To put fear into them in order to ensure they won't is just not right. I have to say it borders on abusive.
Are any of them teenagers yet?
My adult kids are now very warm, honest, caring parents themselves.