Posted by toni acock 1 year ago In:

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toni acock
toni acock Asked:

Friend never invites friend to home or hospitality...what's up with this relationship?

A longtime "friend" has never invited me to her home in 15 years.  She expects to be invited and to attend any social event I give. She says her home is too small or too cluttered.  I accept her into my home even when it is a mess....she is my friend. I assume she won't judge me when I get behind.SHe is also a perfectionist.  I am beginning to think this  relationship is pretty one way(hers) I am surprised because she goes to church a lot. I know that  her "Lord loves hospitality" so do you think this relationship is doomed? She wants to attend my functions and yet I feel like she is looking down her nose at me sometimes. She is a perfectionist so I wonder if she isn't afraid that we will mess up her home. Anyway, is there anything else I can do? She is one of the first people I met when I moved here....I guess that is why I have tried to be patient.  To me it seems if you are friends you are friends and no home, office, church is sacrosanct.  My feelings are genuinely hurt.  I am thinking I should let it go unless you can provide me with new understanding.  Maybe I just need to make new friends.(?)

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P. McMakin
P. McMakin Answered:

She might be ashamed or embarrassed about the way she lives; what if she is a hoarder and doesn't want anyone to find out? Or she could be beyond sloppy and live in extreme filth that she doesn't want anyone to see.

Either accept her and continue to invite her or end the friendship. You'll have to decide which one.

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Bonestructure
Bonestructure Answered:

Tell her quite honestly that you feel hurt that she's has never welcomed you into her home. I'm a bit sensitive to things like that I suppose. My people, the Hopi, consider hospitality to be one of the highest virtues. We don't say hello. We say, will you come in and have something to eat or drink? It's just the way we feel life should be. I would be hurt, too, if one of my friends had never welcomed me into their home.

If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, then that makes me a burning truck filled with TNT hurtling through a rocket fuel depot.
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n
n Answered:

The answer could be complicated.  Often sexually abused children put up a wall of protection around themselves and their private spaces.  Having people inside their home feels intrusive to them, and they are very uncomfortable.  Not everyone comes from such a well adjusted background.  If you've been friends for 15 years, it is her friendship you enjoy, not her personal space.  As her friend I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and not press the issue.

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