I feel very strange almost all the time, but it's difficult for me to pinpoint how and why.
I suspect a mental illness because my behaviour and thoughts aren't normal to me. I have felt this way for many years now, but have been intensely aware of this for only a few years. I'm a 15 year old female, and I would say I am more complex than most people my age. I spend hours researching mental illnesses but always find that my symptoms apply to a lot of them.
I feel the need to self-harm at times for no specific reason, and sometimes I take more than required/totally unnecessary medical drugs for no reason. I don't particularly want to die, but I do have suicidal thoughts occasionally.
I feel weird in new social situations and ignore them completely, but sometimes I am extremely friendly. I have many attributes of completely different personalities, and my actions are almost never consistent. In other words, for example, during quizzes about personality and behaviour, I can never answer questions without getting stuck for some time.
I sometimes think about things that can be seen as completely unacceptable to society, and I frequently question my sense of reality and truth, also have problems with identity.
I do occasionally feel concern for my friends' situations, but I otherwise do not show much emotion. When people talk about things that are 'sad' or very connected with feelings, I usually feel awkward and don't respond appropriately. Often I am called 'cold-hearted' or 'emotionless'. However, I laugh and joke around a lot at school, and listen to people, so most think I am fine and very much 'normal'.
I have trouble sleeping, which I used to associate with insomnia, but I realised that I can sleep fine during the day time; however during night time I can never get to sleep until early morning (4am-6am) so I try to find other things to do.
My family and I are distant. We are formal with each other unless we are fighting. I do not have intimate conversations with them, and sometimes this annoys my parents. I used to try to be close to them, but it felt inadequate and now I do not try to be either closer to, or further away from them.
I have bouts with eating disorders, ranging from forcing vomit to restricting food intake. Already, I can sometimes go on for days without food without trying. Other times I force myself not to eat because for some reason, food disgusts me once it enters my body. This is also usually the reason I vomit. However, I have little care for my appearance, so weight loss is not why I do these things.
Also, I put on a fake persona in front of peers, and another in front of family. I do not really know what my "true self" is like because I am at different ends of the spectrum a lot of the time, with parts of myself in every facade I put on that they become, essentially, "me", but not really.
Please help me. I can't consult a psychologist without my parents knowing until I am older.