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What to do when your 20 year old son blames his mother for everything in his life that goes wrong

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If he still lives at home, you must tell him that it's time to provide for himself. Being out in the world, trying to function in a mostly hostile environment will give him some perspective. I have a strong suspicion that his mother has been too protective. Each new generation has to learn how to function on their own.

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Mothers are people too.  We try our best to do what we think is right for our children.  We do mess up sometimes.  I would let the 20 year old know that what he makes of his life is his responsibility.  What ever happened while he was growing up should not stop him from finding what he wants.  You pick yourself up, and dust yourself off ,and get yourself started again.  It is time for him to be responsible for him own actions.  It is time to stop blaming his mother for something he has total control of ,  he is a man, and what he does,  is his choice. 

I am having the same trouble..I want to toughen up but as soon as I do he finds a way to soften me or threaten me...what to do???

If he doesn't want to go to counselling w/his mother & family, why would his mother listen to all that negative crap?  Walk away from him when he gets too negative.  Let him talk to someone else about it.  When he's not blaming, that's the time to interact with him.  Just let him know that he can work on the problem with you to make your relationship stronger any time he chooses to.  Just no reason to be a doormat for him to vent his frustrations on. 

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