Estranged Daughter turning 18, have not spoken to her in 3 plus years.

My daughter has not spoken to me in 3 years as I found her doing unmentionables at 14 on her computer, drinking, smoking pot and her attitude was that she wanted to kill me. She has an IQ of 159.  She was cutting herself and blamed me for not loving her.  I had her at 42 as is her dad the same age as I am.  He has custody as I gave temporary custody to him originally for him to get her excellent mental help and instead he just put her in a normal high school.  I do not get report cards, nor anything thing nor does he answer my email.  I am on SSD for panic disorder and agoraphobia and want to see my daughter graduate from High School and want my daughter just to speak to me.  What can be done?  She turns 18 in May.  Her dad is very controlling as he was a lt col in the special forces army.  I do not know what can be done at this point as I have not had much if any comments from her since she was 14 almost 15 and if I get any, she tells me I am stalking her and she will have me arrested.

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If you have not done so, your first call should be to a lawyer to clarify what rights you have as her mother.  Secondly, you should find yourself an excellent family therapist who can listen to all of the particulars of your case and help you to sort out your options.  Family therapists are taught to understand human relationship systems and depending on what the circumstances are, one can help you to devise a strategy to contact either your ex-husband, someone he trusts, your daughter, her school, etc. in a way that will lead to your being able to re-establish communication.  No matter how much your daughter may be angry with you or resentful, all daughters and all sons deep down want to have a satisfying relationship with their parents, so there should be some strategy that will work.  Good luck!

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I pray that God will heal and restore your relationship with your daughter. I have a daughter that I have only had once. I am her father and miss her deeply. It is very comforting and I do agree, that all people want a good healthy and loving relationship with their father and mother. I am a social worker. From what I have seen, no matter the circumstance, people want to be able to give and receive love with their parents.

 

 

 

wow! you should first meet up with her dad privately while shes busy! both of you could try a figure out whats the best thing for her! and come to a common agreement if that doesn't work then call a lawyer! start but trying t build a relationship with her, but you could have to be calm, nice, nonjudgmental, understanding, and open to listen, even if you don't agree with what she says!! it will take time but building a relationship with her is very important!

                          *God bless and good luck!*

Hi,

I know personally the pain you are going through.  In most, not all,  cases where children or teens are cutting themselves, there has been a case of molestation or abuse.  You might want to check that out.  She definately should be seeing a therapist.  She might be blaming you for not protecting her if she was molested, even though you couldn't if you had no knowledge of abuse.  Also, the fact that you have panic and agoraphobia might mean she has inherited what might be a genetic anxiety disorder such as you have that is coming out in different ways with her.  She might be self medicating to cope with all this.  Children with high IQs often have more problems than the average child.  She might do better in a school situation that is one on one or more intimate.  Ask the therapist.  Your divorce is also most likely causing her pain that she is not able to deal with or express other than doing these self destructive things.  You need open communication with her father.  As far as her not wanting to speak to you, all I can tell you is to keep sending her cards on occasion and birthday gifts, etc., telling her you think about her, miss her, and love her dearly.  You cannot force yourself on her or she will only reject you more.  Since she mentioned the fact she thinks you do not love her, it sounds like she is craving your love.  She has put a mental block up to receiving your love to punish you and herself. Sometimes children or people who have been hurt in life have a hard time feeling loved because they don't love themselves.  Hopefully, with proper therapy (go to an adolescent specialist), the dr. might be able to get all 3 of you together to speak  and she will come around eventually.  It's going to take some time.  I hope your ex husband will co-operate with you.  This is crucial to your daughter's mental health.  She is very angry and this anger must be treated.  My heart goes out to you.  Hang in there, never give up.  Hugs.

 

Love is life, and if you miss love, you miss life. Leo Buscaglia

My daughter is now 18, still doesnt want to know me. I found out what college she is by just using my computer.  She looks good and sounds good on you tube.

The last question about her being molested, she had told me that one of my so called male platonic freinds had touched her in places they should not have.  I did not believe her, perhaps its true, do not know. 

I now have not seen her in over 4 years, it really hurts.  I am all alone and not well but glad to see that she is doing so well in college.  I know her dad did take her to a therapist which she told me was her second mom.  She did live with her dad and his mother, a woman who loved her more than she loved herself.

She seems ok on you tube, but how should I know how she really is?  When I tried to instant message a freind of hers to ask how she is doing, this freind copy and pasted it to my daughter, my daughter called the police and wanted me arrested for stalking her on the web.  Now you have got to be kidding me.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I do not have a daughter, never will, that it was all a dream and in the past.  I must go on with my life as if I never had my son or my daughter.  If one day they wish to see or talk to me, who knows if I will be willing to see or speak to them.  The pain they have caused me is so painful that the therapist I see, hardly knows how I handle it.

He has explained to me that my mother, who has my son aged 26 taking care of her hand and foot(she is 94 and leaving everything to him-I am her only child).  He tried to call the police on me for wanting to say goodbye to her last summer as she has a summer house around the corner from my so called bed and breakfast.  They are all nuts, including my ex who refused to do anything constructive about trying to get a relationship together with my son and daughter, in fact, I believe that he inflitrated my family with his deceitful ways(a lt col in the special forces) and turned everyone against me.

All I did was want to move out of NYC, disgusting Queens where my son was doing lots of drugs, both had no friends as other ethnic groups had moved into our area.  My mother had controlled my life forever and I just had to leave that area as having 3 husbands in that house 2 blocks from her was too much.

I tried to live in her house up here for 6 months but she did not like the way I was decorating and fixing it, so out I went and bought this monster of a place that is choking me 10 years later, thinking I was doing right for my children and myself.  My ex even bought a house up here 2 years after I moved up here only to move back to the city to go back to college at age 55 to become a teacher and lower my child support to almost zip.  He is now on SSD and you know, I wish him dead, I really do.  He has PTSD and has gained 100 lbs from the VA drugs, I just pray he goes soon as he has outlived his purpose on this planet.

As you can see I am very bitter.  My son might also be gay, thats just wonderful, my son, the faggot.  Sorry to use these terms but well, its ok, I love gay people, but not the life I want for my son.  I just cannot believe that the butt I wiped is not getting it up the butt with God knows who.  He had such talent as an artist, won the esteemed Heiny art award at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 99, shoke hands with the president of Pratt at the age of just 16 and now, he is my mothers lacky, driving Ms Daisy around.

I just don't get it, does anyone here get it???

Joyce

If Not Now, When?

My daughter is now 18, still doesnt want to know me. I found out what college she is by just using my computer.  She looks good and sounds good on you tube.

The last question about her being molested, she had told me that one of my so called male platonic freinds had touched her in places they should not have.  I did not believe her, perhaps its true, do not know. 

I now have not seen her in over 4 years, it really hurts.  I am all alone and not well but glad to see that she is doing so well in college.  I know her dad did take her to a therapist which she told me was her second mom.  She did live with her dad and his mother, a woman who loved her more than she loved herself.

She seems ok on you tube, but how should I know how she really is?  When I tried to instant message a freind of hers to ask how she is doing, this freind copy and pasted it to my daughter, my daughter called the police and wanted me arrested for stalking her on the web.  Now you have got to be kidding me.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I do not have a daughter, never will, that it was all a dream and in the past.  I must go on with my life as if I never had my son or my daughter.  If one day they wish to see or talk to me, who knows if I will be willing to see or speak to them.  The pain they have caused me is so painful that the therapist I see, hardly knows how I handle it.

He has explained to me that my mother, who has my son aged 26 taking care of her hand and foot(she is 94 and leaving everything to him-I am her only child).  He tried to call the police on me for wanting to say goodbye to her last summer as she has a summer house around the corner from my so called bed and breakfast.  They are all nuts, including my ex who refused to do anything constructive about trying to get a relationship together with my son and daughter, in fact, I believe that he inflitrated my family with his deceitful ways(a lt col in the special forces) and turned everyone against me.

All I did was want to move out of NYC, disgusting Queens where my son was doing lots of drugs, both had no friends as other ethnic groups had moved into our area.  My mother had controlled my life forever and I just had to leave that area as having 3 husbands in that house 2 blocks from her was too much.

I tried to live in her house up here for 6 months but she did not like the way I was decorating and fixing it, so out I went and bought this monster of a place that is choking me 10 years later, thinking I was doing right for my children and myself.  My ex even bought a house up here 2 years after I moved up here only to move back to the city to go back to college at age 55 to become a teacher and lower my child support to almost zip.  He is now on SSD and you know, I wish him dead, I really do.  He has PTSD and has gained 100 lbs from the VA drugs, I just pray he goes soon as he has outlived his purpose on this planet.

As you can see I am very bitter.  My son might also be gay, thats just wonderful, my son, the faggot.  Sorry to use these terms but well, its ok, I love gay people, but not the life I want for my son.  I just cannot believe that the butt I wiped is not getting it up the butt with God knows who.  He had such talent as an artist, won the esteemed Heiny art award at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 99, shoke hands with the president of Pratt at the age of just 16 and now, he is my mothers lacky, driving Ms Daisy around.

I just don't get it, does anyone here get it???

Joyce

If Not Now, When?

My daughter is now 18, still doesnt want to know me. I found out what college she is by just using my computer.  She looks good and sounds good on you tube.

The last question about her being molested, she had told me that one of my so called male platonic freinds had touched her in places they should not have.  I did not believe her, perhaps its true, do not know. 

I now have not seen her in over 4 years, it really hurts.  I am all alone and not well but glad to see that she is doing so well in college.  I know her dad did take her to a therapist which she told me was her second mom.  She did live with her dad and his mother, a woman who loved her more than she loved herself.

She seems ok on you tube, but how should I know how she really is?  When I tried to instant message a freind of hers to ask how she is doing, this freind copy and pasted it to my daughter, my daughter called the police and wanted me arrested for stalking her on the web.  Now you have got to be kidding me.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I do not have a daughter, never will, that it was all a dream and in the past.  I must go on with my life as if I never had my son or my daughter.  If one day they wish to see or talk to me, who knows if I will be willing to see or speak to them.  The pain they have caused me is so painful that the therapist I see, hardly knows how I handle it.

He has explained to me that my mother, who has my son aged 26 taking care of her hand and foot(she is 94 and leaving everything to him-I am her only child).  He tried to call the police on me for wanting to say goodbye to her last summer as she has a summer house around the corner from my so called bed and breakfast.  They are all nuts, including my ex who refused to do anything constructive about trying to get a relationship together with my son and daughter, in fact, I believe that he inflitrated my family with his deceitful ways(a lt col in the special forces) and turned everyone against me.

All I did was want to move out of NYC, disgusting Queens where my son was doing lots of drugs, both had no friends as other ethnic groups had moved into our area.  My mother had controlled my life forever and I just had to leave that area as having 3 husbands in that house 2 blocks from her was too much.

I tried to live in her house up here for 6 months but she did not like the way I was decorating and fixing it, so out I went and bought this monster of a place that is choking me 10 years later, thinking I was doing right for my children and myself.  My ex even bought a house up here 2 years after I moved up here only to move back to the city to go back to college at age 55 to become a teacher and lower my child support to almost zip.  He is now on SSD and you know, I wish him dead, I really do.  He has PTSD and has gained 100 lbs from the VA drugs, I just pray he goes soon as he has outlived his purpose on this planet.

As you can see I am very bitter.  My son might also be gay, thats just wonderful, my son, the faggot.  Sorry to use these terms but well, its ok, I love gay people, but not the life I want for my son.  I just cannot believe that the butt I wiped is not getting it up the butt with God knows who.  He had such talent as an artist, won the esteemed Heiny art award at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 99, shoke hands with the president of Pratt at the age of just 16 and now, he is my mothers lacky, driving Ms Daisy around.

I just don't get it, does anyone here get it???

Joyce

If Not Now, When?

My daughter is now 18, still doesnt want to know me. I found out what college she is by just using my computer.  She looks good and sounds good on you tube.

The last question about her being molested, she had told me that one of my so called male platonic freinds had touched her in places they should not have.  I did not believe her, perhaps its true, do not know. 

I now have not seen her in over 4 years, it really hurts.  I am all alone and not well but glad to see that she is doing so well in college.  I know her dad did take her to a therapist which she told me was her second mom.  She did live with her dad and his mother, a woman who loved her more than she loved herself.

She seems ok on you tube, but how should I know how she really is?  When I tried to instant message a freind of hers to ask how she is doing, this freind copy and pasted it to my daughter, my daughter called the police and wanted me arrested for stalking her on the web.  Now you have got to be kidding me.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I do not have a daughter, never will, that it was all a dream and in the past.  I must go on with my life as if I never had my son or my daughter.  If one day they wish to see or talk to me, who knows if I will be willing to see or speak to them.  The pain they have caused me is so painful that the therapist I see, hardly knows how I handle it.

He has explained to me that my mother, who has my son aged 26 taking care of her hand and foot(she is 94 and leaving everything to him-I am her only child).  He tried to call the police on me for wanting to say goodbye to her last summer as she has a summer house around the corner from my so called bed and breakfast.  They are all nuts, including my ex who refused to do anything constructive about trying to get a relationship together with my son and daughter, in fact, I believe that he inflitrated my family with his deceitful ways(a lt col in the special forces) and turned everyone against me.

All I did was want to move out of NYC, disgusting Queens where my son was doing lots of drugs, both had no friends as other ethnic groups had moved into our area.  My mother had controlled my life forever and I just had to leave that area as having 3 husbands in that house 2 blocks from her was too much.

I tried to live in her house up here for 6 months but she did not like the way I was decorating and fixing it, so out I went and bought this monster of a place that is choking me 10 years later, thinking I was doing right for my children and myself.  My ex even bought a house up here 2 years after I moved up here only to move back to the city to go back to college at age 55 to become a teacher and lower my child support to almost zip.  He is now on SSD and you know, I wish him dead, I really do.  He has PTSD and has gained 100 lbs from the VA drugs, I just pray he goes soon as he has outlived his purpose on this planet.

As you can see I am very bitter.  My son might also be gay, thats just wonderful, my son, the faggot.  Sorry to use these terms but well, its ok, I love gay people, but not the life I want for my son.  I just cannot believe that the butt I wiped is not getting it up the butt with God knows who.  He had such talent as an artist, won the esteemed Heiny art award at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 99, shoke hands with the president of Pratt at the age of just 16 and now, he is my mothers lacky, driving Ms Daisy around.

I just don't get it, does anyone here get it???

Joyce

If Not Now, When?

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