Why doesn't the US Navy have bidets in their restrooms?
The USMC put a stop to it. Real quick.
Physicalist is the only gay blade who could have posed such a ridiculous question. Very well, as a CVA-63 Shellback, I will propose an answer that could hopefully put Physicalist's gay blade questions to rest.
Once upon a time, the crew of the SS Rotten-to-the-core-and-then-some sat below decks, worrying about the armed guards posted alongside their ship with orders to open fire if the crew did anything wrong.
"The masters of the line say we'll all swing from the yards if we do in the next captain," said Boatswain Carstairs. "You remember the last one, don't you?"
First Mate Belcher cringed. "Aye, I do at that. Captain Vile made passes at the crew, and somehow he fell overboard in a gale."
Second Mate Wretched said, "It was like Captain Gross. He made passes at everyone and walked naked on deck. He fell overboard in a gale."
Pharmacist Mate Clanger sighed. "Then there was Captain Boor. He was shot, hung, stabbed, and fell overboards, cause he wore a pink tutu on deck and made passes at the crew."
"Yes, but we were in a dead calm at the time," said Third Mate Heinous. "Remember Captain Pale? I mean, there weren't a sheep safe in the hold. He was shot, hanged, drawn, quartered, blundeoned, boiled in oil, and fell overboard . . .."
"We were docked at the time," said Seaman Cross. "Ypu can tell the sort of hard as iron Captain we need. That steel hard edge to his voice, that powerful bellow that rings stem to stern, that harsh growl of a real captain . . .."
They listened as the new captain took the deck. He said something they didn't want to hear.
"Yoo-hoo! Are any of you salty sailors down there? Come ont, come out, wherever you are! YOO-HOO!"
The crew looked among themselves and cringed.
Seaman Gross said, "You know, lads, there are some things worse than hanging."
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