She died - so what do I do now?

Hi Harry,

    Sorry about the loss of your friend.  It's very difficult to lose someone you really cared for.

   I think that you should move on and just treasure those nice memories you had with her.  There is no need to go back and find out those other things about her.  Just remember her the way you knew  her.

Take care.

     On a lot of different levels, this is not an uncommon situation for us. People like Elizabeth Koubler-Ross spent her entire life on this type of subject. She wrote books, gave lectures, and created many classes on this. One of her books is called Life and Death Transition. Look these up, you might find some answers. She is no longer with us (physically); but, of course, her books are. Another book by Jane Roberts called The Nature of Personal Reality can also be a help.

     In order to understand this situation you've explained, it's necessary to come to terms with your ideas about death. I work with this type of situation, and it is highly sensitive because it involves deep beliefs. However, regardless of one's beliefs, there are very strong emotions involved. These emotions, if not dealt with, can become harmful to the self. They can also create great learning.

     If you can be honest with yourself about how you feel about her 'death' you might discover that there may even be some anger involved. This emotion is usually pushed aside, simply because nobody wants to be angry about the death of a close one. The anger can be frightening. This is only one emotion that can come up with this; there are many.

     These emotions are what we really need to come to terms with. One needs to be honest and courages with this. We are all always connected. The emptyness you feel is within your emotional structure. Your friend has not left you. It is only because of our lack of VISION that we feel alone and separate. I understand that what I am saying does not help your feelings; which are obviously quite strong; but, with some inner work, you can find a peaceful place within yourself, and know that nothing is ever lost, and we are all always connected. You can even look into your dreams for assistance with this. Your friend has always been with you, and always will be.

                            With Compassion,

                                                 Daniel

DB Lady,

Thank you for understanding the most important sentence, my last one. "I need to figure out how to achieve closure with this".  You gave a very simple and great answer.  "...move on and just treasure those nice memories you had with her."  This is exactly what I want to do but a conflict exist which hinders me in doing so.  You actually identified it with your very next sentence. 

If our relationship ended a year or maybe up to 10 years ago, yes.  Our memories would have been fresh in my mind.  But after 28 years they have become vague with time, if you know what I mean.  With her death and all this time, I am struggling not to embellish or glorify my memories of her.  Of course this is because I miss her and more importantly, forever missed the opportunity in again connecting with her.  This is not how it was or how I wish to remember us. 

Going back is intended to keep my "feet on the ground" (memories) and experience her life as much as possible through conversations with others.  Afterwards, I am looking to treasure the mortal person I knew and loved 28 years prior. 

What kept the fire burning inside me for 28 years is remembering how my heart smiled while with her, not so much specific memories.  My heart still smiles but I can't remember her taste or smell anymore.  The only picture I have of her is the memory of that sparkle in her eyes.  I believe I would like to ask her husband or daughter for a picture.

Thank you for your reply, it was helpful nevertheless.

Hi Harry,

   That' a great idea to ask her husband or daughter for a picture.  I don't think they'd mind.

God Bless.

Hi Harry,

   I  noticed you just joined Yedda.  Welcome to Yedda !!!

I, would let it go! To bring up this mater with others in her life may cause much pain in there life. I to lost someone in my life that I think of every day, I see her in my mind, hear her in my ear, smell her in the air I breath, I had to let it go the pain I felt caused mush stress, it also caused medical problems that I am dealing with now. I steal think of her but I had to let her go. I am sorry for your loss!

life go's on, be part of that life, she would have wahted it that way, if she cared for you.

Harry ~

Sometimes we tend to romanticize the people we loved when we are away from them for long periods of time.  They become almost perfect in our eyes.  I see no reason why you couldn't talk to some of the people she knew.  If you were as important to her as she was to you, then someone should recognize the name.  But, be prepared for the truth to be vastly different from the woman you remember.  This is why, if you can, you should keep her close to you the way you really remember her.

You have been very vague about how the relationship ended all those eyars ago.  She may have carried anger towards you for the rest of her life, and what you hear from others might not be very complementary.  Seek if you must, but be prepared for the truth.

I am so sorry that you have lost someone you love.  It is a pain that takes forever to heal.  I hope you can eventually move on and find a new love to share your life with.  Live in the present, my friend, not the past.