I am a female, 26 years old, from India.
Well, to tell you the truth, I want to know WHY something is wrong with me and rather than WHAT. If i know the reason, I might be able to get better. I am sure its something very common, something plenty of women go through. But I am very scared.
I don't remember a single phase of my life when I was happy. My childhood was alright - except that I suffered from major inferiority complex. As a kid, i was very enthusiastic in the beginning, and would want to do many different things. But whenever I asked my dad if i could dance on stage, or go watch a movie being shot in the neighborhood, he would say - its not meant for us. So slowly I lost the will to try and wear different clothes, or participate in events.
My dad was very strict. And we are a middle-class family. Although beating up kids is very common in India, he would beat me up very often. Nothing I did would satisfy him, apart from when I excelled in studies. He would also verbally abuse me, say nasty, disgusting, inappropriate things. Now that I think of it, I wouldn't get mad at him then, I would get mad at myself. I would think I was a disgusting human being.
I didn't know it was affecting me, until recently. I have a very unhealthy relationship with my parents. Deep down, I don't like them very much. They hold me back. We hardly talk even if we live under the same roof.
Now I am 26 and I have had two unsuccessful relationships in the past. I wasn't emotionally connected to either of the guys. Now I'm in a relationship with a guy 3 years younger to me. He is EXTREMELY SWEET AND CARING. In the beginning I was very positive about it. Now I'm scared, just because he is younger to me. He still hasn't finished his education, and I keep doubting the future of this relationship, when deep down I know that if i just keep believing, it would all work out. This constant doubt ruins our days together. I get VERY mad at the smallest of things and verbally abuse him. I have done it quite a few times, but NEVER once has he said a single negative word to me. He still maintains I am beautiful, I am sweet and that I am a strong woman. I feel like I take advantage of this nature and abuse him even more. And when the anger has subsided, I realize how wrong/bad I was. HE gives me constant love and care.
I finished my bachelor's degree in 2007. I joined a job immediately after it - not because I wanted to, but because my then boyfriend was (who also did the bachelor's course with me)working there. I actually wanted to do my MS. I hated the job, and I wasn't really emotionally connected to him.
Yet I dragged both the job and that relationship for 4 years. And I took a sudden step and ended both. At that time I was trying for MS in the US. When I met the second guy. If I would have tried, I would have gone to the US for my MS. But for his sake, for being with him, i dropped it and decided to do MS in India itself. Soon after that we broke up. I wasn't that connected to him too.
That takes us to the present. I am in my last semester of MS here in India. I also got a job which I will start soon. Deep down my dream is to be a happy and successful woman. I want to see the world. I want to people to see me as a successful woman, not a loser. I want to say to people one day - see I got married! or see I am happy!
Whenever I start something, I am 101% sure of it. And then I doubt myself and let it go. I am a very intellegent, beautiful woman. I have a high IQ and I am very good at my profession - software development. I even won awards at my previous job. But because of this nature of mine to doubt EVERYTHING and to doubt my happiness, well, I am never happy. And I screw up EVERYTHING.
I am very scared that I will never be successful, that I will never marry, that I will never go out of my city, let alone the country. I am extremely scared that I will die a loser.
Whatever I do, I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like laughing at myself - 'haha, look at you! you don't belong here'!
I have NO friends. My childhood friends are either married or in the US/UK. I have no friends as of now. And I have lost touch with them because I feel like a loser. I have NEVER celebrated anything. I stay away from people who are celebrating. I do not go to parties, weddings, birthdays. My parents think I am a lost cause.
I want to know WHY I act the way I do.