How do I get my cheating husband back?

How do I get my cheating husband back?

Crazy huh... here is my story. My husband and I have been together for 7+ years and married 4+, we have two beautiful boys ages 3 and 5. My husband recently left me claiming he was not happy and that I needed to change. After my the birth of my first son I lost my sex drive, I am now dealing with demons and have realized that there was allot more to this lack of intimacy that were personal battles with self image after child birth and childhood mistreatment that have never been dealt with. After my first son was born my husband went a very long time without the pleasures that a wife should provide he husband, don’t get me wrong it did get better we did have a sexual relationship and managed to stay together 5 more years and have another son. He and I never fought, we always have got along we fight about once every six months and it always would go back to the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship, I knew that this was a huge problem for him I went to my gynecologist every year and cried to them for help, this was not a issue until after kids, they sent me on my way and said that it would work itself out, and it has it worked itself out by him leaving me. When he left I never seen it coming we were not fighting we had not argued and I had truly been putting in the effort that he requested to show him the love that he needed to "feel" he always said that I said I loved him but he did not feel that I did, that the lack of sex hurt him as a man. I desperately wanted to change this but did not know where to start, I attempted to show him affection but he would say that it felt fake I would attempt to show him love and he would reject me now he says that he may have checked out and would not allow me to show him affection.... I want my marriage and I love my family, I thought that I was a good wife, I work a 55+ hr week, I would come home take care of the children and the home with little to no responsibilities ever given to him to help, call me old fashioned but I assumes the role of the wife and him the man of the house. Over the years I know that I know I have developed a resentment for him and his freedom, he could come and go as he pleased while I stayed home with the kids and did the wife thing, I have always trusted him to not hurt me and do the right thing. What is sad is that I never expressed these feelings of resentment with him until he would bring up the argument of lack of sex which then would discredit all of my feeling of why and how it could change, for example.. " if you would help me more, or have you ever thought that I need you to be more 50/50 with the responsibilities" he always said my feelings were excuses for the problem, I am not a fighter I like to keep the peace so my own feelings I did not put into words, I have held things back for fear of hurting his feelings or how he would look at me if I verbalized them.

When he first left he said he did not know what the future held and that we would try to make our marriage work and i have held on to that like it was the world dangling on a cliff, after he left I had a breakdown and ended up sobbing in my general practitioners office and putting all of my personal business out to him, come to find out the sexual problems that i was having after child birth are very real and are my issues and that my gyn ( I say 3 over the years about this) were more concerned with cancerous women problems and not the  very real issue in my marriage, I could have been prescribed welbutrian 5 years ago with is a anti-depressant drug that has been proven to not only help with depression but increase female sex drives, I have since been put on the medication and my sex drive has returned full force. My husband and I have been out more in the last 6 weeks together then we have in the last 3 years he has taken me out to eat he has done things with our family that he would never be willing to do when he was home, I really had very high hopes of regaining the love that had been lost not only for me but for our family.

we have been intimate several times since he left, I let all my guard down and broke down my walls to show him the real me without the restrains of self esteem issues and childhood abuse and he then in return said that it all felt fake because this was not the marital relationship that he has been in, and he is right it did feel different, and that is because i feel like i let go of all the things that prevented me to be the wife that showed him not only that i can take care of him and our family but that i am the sexual beautiful woman that he loves and wants to come home to... he would say after each encounter that he didn’t want to lead me on and that he did not know what the future held..

up until a week ago I was under the impression that we were working on our marriage and that i was working on me to change the one thing about our relationship that makes him so unhappy... I have since found out that there us another woman and not just any other woman. He has been having a relationship with his best friend wife of 8 years who ironically left he husband the same weekend that mine left me. This women was my friend she waited in the waiting rooms for me to deliver our children, she helped me pick out my wedding dress, we have been on vacations together over the years and our children play together, my boys actually call her aunt kk. I had chosen not to look for anything after he left, he said that there was no one else and I believed him, all I want is my family back, after my gut told me something was off I starting looking and found that they have been having some sort of phone affair for months, they talked on the phone starting in November the day after we returned from a couple vacation together on a cruise ( me and my husband and her and hers) for anywhere to 3-6 hours a day.

I just do not understand, this is such a double betrayal.. this is his best friend of ten years wife she was my friend.. they have two children and so do we, what kind of crap is this.. they both left their families.. he walked away from me and my boys to be with her?? how is this possible I just want to know what made he call him that first time, was it a friendship and it developed feelings? he has since told me that he is "talking" to her, my initial reaction was to want blood for this, but now I am just so hurt and in disbelief, he says he is done and that he doesn’t want me, we have discussed divorce and the boys.. I feel like I am in a horrible bad dream and that I am going to wake up any minute and I will get my life back.

Now I am a educated woman and am not unattractive not to toot my own horn, my head tells me that this is all unforgivable ... if he ever really loved me how could he do this to me, how could he hurt me so bad, when he came clean last Tuesday and I freaked out he sent me some of the most hateful texts he said things like if I had done my job as a women then he would not have left me, not the boys, me. things like he sleeps good now that he isnt laying next to someone claiming to be his wife and does nothing as a woman but b$tch. these things hurt so bad, now that he has come clean I dont know if these things are genuine or if he is really trying to justify what he is doing in his head, my husband knows what he is doing is wrong on so many levels, he has a conscience and I know him better than anyone, this is killing him inside, my head says run run run, move on learn from your mistakes and change your future.. if my heart would only agree

My heart says that if he would show up with his bags at the front dorr that I would try everything in my power to make my marriage work.. Since he left and before I knew about this relationship I started to work on me, I have been talking to counselor about my childhood issues and the walls that I have built up, I have been evaluating the things the "we" could have done different, we never made time for me and him, since the kids were born we have been going through the motions of course we lack intimacy, we never had datenites, we never dedicated time to each other, I would wk, he would wk, I would come home, do baths, dinner, pack lunches, laundry and now don’t get me wrong I have my lazy nights to where i flop on the couch and watch the tv shows on the dvr.. his routine was work, come home play on the computer and somewhere around 11 or 12am we go to bed... we became victims of our own routines and lost one another... I don’t know what i like, i have been so consumed with if he didn’t want to do we didn’t, he i believe went through the same thing.. right before he left and this phone now full relationship started he had started working out and making himself feel better.. he said that he had lost all confidence and the feeling of being a man.. he looks better and has lost weight, and i think that she is giving him the attention that he wanted so bad.. I wanted the attention from him as well, but for me it wasnt sexually it was i wanted him to show gestures of love, again i think the resentment i had for him put that block in the bedroom.

I have been reading all these things on line about how to get your man back even if he is in a rebound relationship, basically they say all the things women do wrong to try to get their loved ones back, text wars, begging, pleading, trying to convince them that your the one for them.. which of course is my first reaction is all wrong that it can push them further away.. basically it says to become distant that the heart grows fond of what it can not have.. to close off the open door policy.. to me if i do that it feels like i am pushing him into her arms forever... I want to appeal to the seven years of love and the good times, i want to show him the family that we built and what he is walking away from, he loves his kids and i can not believe that he is walking away to be a weekend dad? i want him home, i want us to work on this, this is 7 years of my life and the only future that i can see, and i do have blame in this..

someone even told me that in the bible it says that lack of sexual intimacy to a husband is a sin.. where it does I don't know but god forgive me for what i have done to my family.. if I had known what I know now, I felt blind and unable to be helped I thought i had gone to the people I was suppose to, but i didn’t, he now says if it had been him and I had told him of this problem over and over that he would not have stopped until he had fixed the problem.. i was just lost and i wish that i could change those things now.. if i knew then what i know now..

I know that this all sounds crazy to most women out there, and I am going to be honest that two months ago I would have said any women that goes back to a husband who leaves when there is trouble and finds comfort in the arms of another women is dumb.. Now all I can say is that you never know how you will feel unless your are in this situation, I want to hate him, but I cant. I want to be nasty and do the things that other nasty divorces do, but I cant.. all I want is my family back and to do it the right way..

so my question is how do i tear him away from her fangs that she has in him right now and show him that he belongs with his wife that loved him unconditionally, i loved him when his teeth were crooked and he was over weight, I want to show him the affection and attention that she is, he says he is more confident as a man now, with having lost weight and I am sure he showing him undivided attention adds to this high.. this will fade.. they are showing each other the attention that both felt they were lacking in their marriages but this cant work can it?? No matter what she was my friend and a good friend through many years she belongs with he kids too.. what are they thinking?

what can I do, I want my husband back.. do I sit back and wait for him to come to his senses? Do I beg him to come home? Do I show gestures of love? Do I shut him out when he does attempt to open up the doors.. everything I am reading says that is letting him have his cake and eating it to?? What do I do when he asks to do something with me and the boys for family day? I want to go so bad and up until this point I have gone every time and savored the moments that he allows all of us as a family.. I want him to miss that and want to come home?? Help me please…


 
 

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well honey... first of all you have to show him your love with many and different ways... if you re sure that he hasn't got any relationship you could use the sexual way to show him that you are ready to make him love as (and more) before. in this way you are going to show him you're sorry for everything and you're ready to do anything for him to make him happy and to comes back to you. the other way is to remind him that a child (especially in this age) needs both of his parents to be together so the kid takes an example and laoves both the same... also it is going to be very difficult for that kids.... so sweetie if YOU have broblems with you husbund is not their fault but they are going to pay it over for you.... make him understand that the kids are going to suffer cause they need to see their parents beeing together and in love, to be a normal family, to not be ashamed about their parents, to not jealous from every other kid which is whith their both parents and are happy and having fun... meet him at your place... i mean the place you saw him for the first time, or the place you both used to go together and have fun.... invite him at your home and cook his favourite food and "accidently" put the song you both like....well now honey is up to you... be romantic and show him your love.... but dear do not have any fight. ok? well my friend good luck!!!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks so much... I want to do all those things.. my fear is that with the "other girl" in the picture his mind is clouded.. how do i take my spot back in his heart and get rid of her??

My feeling is that this is beyond anything that you and he can work out by yourselves.  You need to find out if he is even interested in trying to work out your relationship.  Is it over for him?  Is he just coming around out of guilt?  You both need therapy to figure this out and regain trust and intimacy.  If he is not willing to go to therapy that is showing you his answer.  He is through with the relationship.  Even if he is not willing to go, you need to seek therapy.  A pill is not a substitute for dealing with all of your issues.  You need to get help with or without your husband.

Thank you... I have started counceling without him. I am truely trying to focus on me and fixing my inner demons how can i show him the love he is desperate for if I dont know how to love myself?? right?? It is sad that it took this for me to realize this.. i dont want to try to push him right now I want him to come home because he wants to not out of guilt... should i ressure him?

I don't think you should say anything to him at this point to try and reassure him.  That will not change how he is feeling.  You actively improving yourself without him will show him your commitment to dealing with your problems.  Once you are whole, how do you know you will even still want him?  I don't think either one of you is in the position to make promises or claims about feelings.  Keep working on your issues, let him know that you are willing to work as a team to keep the family together.  Invite him to participate in the therapy. After that don't mention it again, if he does not want to participate then it is probably the best for you to try and get on with your life without him.  If it is meant to be you will come back together at the right time.  Who knows - you may end up finding out he is not the right one for you after all- you should not define yourself by him.  You are right, you cannot love another person until you love yourself.  I have been married three times and it was not until I really found out who I was and embraced who I was and accepted myself that I found the one true love in my life and that is my third husband.  We have been married for 15 years now and I finally am truly happy.  It can happen for you as well as long as you find out who you are, accept yourself, embrace yourself and love yourself no matter what.  Once you become all that you can be you will find true love and happiness.  It may or may not be with your current husband who knows?  Life is an adventure and each relationship is a journey nothing more and nothing less.  Be the best that you can be that is all any of us can hope for.

He gets to have his cake and eat it too right now b/c you allow him to. If you continue to allow him to do this, he will never come back to you and be with just you. You have to let him know it's all or nothing.Refuse to see him unless he is going to leave her and wants to be with only you. I know it's hard to turn down an opportunity to be with him..but the date nights with you and then back to the other woman have to stop.No wonder he's so happy right now! You're not giving him enough time away from you to realize he has made a mistake. Until you are willing to say no to him he will never have the chance to miss you & come back to you and work things out. Some people don't realize what they had until it's gone. Make him think he has lost you. Don't be so desperate for his attention. I think a little time without seeing you will make him realize what he has done and he will come back.

Your husband and best friend?  I think this is the Universes way of telling you that you need to find your Self and your own path and your own love of self.  I would let them both go.  At least for a time, until I found my own inner strength. 

I'm sorry to hear about your marital problems. I know how hard it can be especially when there are children involved.  I would get a babysitter and sit down and have a serious talk with your husband as soon as possible to see exactly where he stands and if he's willing to work on the marriage. The longer you wait to talk to him, the further he'll drift away from you. If he isn't, then let him go and try and move on with your lives. If he is, then he needs to stand by you through the hard times as well and his first step to show you he's committed to working on the marriage would be for him to cut all ties with this other woman. At least for now until you two decide where things are headed and you can't do that if she's still hanging around.   If it's just a sex thing between them,  and she was truly any sort of friend of yours, she should hopefully understand and give him the space he and you need to see if your marriage is going to go anywhere before interfering any more. If it is not going to work out with you two, then he can always go back but at least give you the respect to see where things are able to go.

It sounds like there are a lot of issues to be worked out and it may take a while, you have the sex issue, the cheating issue and even a bigger problem just trying to get trust back in your relationship but if you are willing to work on it and you still love each other, then make sure you both give it your all before making any quick decisions.

I would not keep bringing up the kids though. If your marriage is going to work, it needs to work because both of you want it to for yourselves. I truly believe that when a marriage stays together just for the kids sakes, that it does more damage than good to the kids if the parents are not in a good relationship and staying in it just for their sakes. Kids are very intuitive and a lot of times can see right through it and sometimes you will have a much happier family if you divorce and everyone stays amicable instead of together with all the arguing.

Best of luck to you and I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Some people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

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