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Am I in a bad marriage?

Wow this is not easy. Okay married 16 years. My husband says he loves me but whenever we fight he always resorts to name calling for me and my family. Says that he married beneith him, that my family is trailer trash. (I have never lived in a trailer) that I am a moron and it just gets better. He can spend money on Cars, Car parts and anything else that he may want. Fights with me every month that I spent to much money on food or items for our daughter. (I work full time he has decided to retire) I have not lost my self esteem I am pretty strong in that regard I do not believe what he says about me because I know who I am. What bothers me is how can someone who says they Love you say things that are aimed to really hurt. I do not do this to him or anyone else, even if I am very angry I measure my words so that I do not say something that is not true or I will later regret. I am so tired of this verbal abuse that I just want him to go away. He has said that he is moving out about 20 times in the last 2 months but then after a couple of days acts like nothing happened and everything is just fine. He even spoke to our teenage daughter and told her he was leaving because my sister was visiting to help care for our mother and he does not like her. Now that you do not think I have taken advantage of my Husband I will explain that in the 16 years we have been married I raised 2 of his Children from a previous marriage and loved them as my own, His mother came to live in the area and I lost a lot of time from my business to take her to her doctors appointments, shopping etc. All holidays were with his family not mine. All company tht we had was his family whom I cooked, cleaned up after and entertained gladly I enjoyed the visits. Never once did my family ever come to stay nor did they ever ask anything of us. We sent a lot of money out to his adult children. I co-signed a car loan for his daughter. SO I do not think I ever took advantage of him even though he claims I do constantly. Not sure what to do. I am uncertain if I am wrong or if he really is a controlling verbal abuser. Any advise would be helpful.

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No, you are not wrong.

As I see it, there are two possibles. One is that he loves you, but he has never been taught how to communicate properly or fight fairly. If you think this is a possibility, I suggest couples counseling. The sooner the better.

The second possibility is that he is an abusive jerk who deserves to be booted out on his butt while you take him for everything to which you are entitled. If, after thinking about it, you decide this is the correct answer then I suggest you have a consultation with an experienced Family Law attorney to discuss your legal rights and responsibilities prior to filing for a separation or divorce.

Meanwhile, I have to say that although you believe you have good self-esteem I think you aren't as confident as you would have us believe. Someone with good self esteem does NOT let herself be treated this way or talked to in this manner.

If I were you, I'd have put my foot down 15 and 1/2 years ago.

Turn off the television and teach your children how to think. ~ Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. (B. Franklin) ~ I do not respond in Comments ~ Trespassers will be eaten. Cowards, idiots and spammers will be shot on sight. ~ YeddaHeads

Face it, you're married to a complete asshole, You deserve better and so does your daughter.

If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, then that makes me a burning truck filled with TNT hurtling through a rocket fuel depot.

Sounds to me like a spoiled brat and I think over the years  you overdid it. It is time you took the offensive. From what you write, it seems he is more dependent on you than you on him. Therefore, force him to go for counseling and tell him that ifhe doesn't make an effort to act like a mature man you will consult a lawyer to find out what steps you can take for separation or even divorce. There is no reason why you should allow yourself to be exploited and also abused.

My dear your husband sounds almost like mine. I am 35 and have been married for eleven years. In your situation I strongly suggest that you consider your teenage daughter and how your relationship with your husband will affect her later in life. Children mimic their parents in every way. If a childs parent or parents are heavy drinkers the child is likely to also drink. Same applies to drug use and verbal or physical or emotional abuse. You do not want your daughter to end up with a man who treats her and speaks to her the way your husband does do you? If your answer is no then I suggest you and your daughter get away from him as quickly as you can. You need to file for a divorce. I do not believe that after 16 years of marriage he is going to change. I feel so bad for you and your daughter. My husband had to make a very important decision. If he wanted the children and I to stay with him, he needed to change the way he spoke to me in front of them and the way to spoke the our kids and the way he treated all of us. I am glad to say that forcing him to evaluate his life and decide if we were important enough to keep in his life was a hard thing to do but it worked out for us. He could have chosen to leave. This may work for you and then again it may not. BUT you need to do what is best for you and your daughter. What kind of marriage would it be if you are not happy. You do not deserve to live that way. I wish you the best of luck with what ever you decide to do. Take care and GOD Bless you and your daughter. 

My ex thought he was better than me.  He wasn't abusive, but he was arrogant.  Ten years ago I packed up, gave him both our houses and his pension and hit the road.  He cried for years.  Now I'm poor but I'm free and happy.

Your husband is abusive and disrespectful of you and he is teaching the children to be abusive and disrespectful as well .  Children learn by example , he is an extremely poor role model .  I also question his love for you . He needs to learn to act as an adult man not a self centered spoiled brat . You need to set some boundaries with him on what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable . If you continue to accept and tolerate his behavior it will continue . There are no consequences and until there are , there is no reason for him to change and treat you with the love and respect you deserve .  My father once gave me some very good advice , We as women teach Men how to treat us with our actions and behavior , he was righ then and he is still right .  Talk to your husband perhaps some counseling for both of you will clear the air and help him learn to communicate properly .  Make it very clear to him that his consequence for not trying to improve your relationship is divorce . You are about to find out how much he does loves you , if at all .  Good Luck .

S.N.O.T.S. Snotsworth's fair lady snots'quus .... Wild & free protect the mustang !........ Bear down chicago bears!!......Hail purdue go boilers !..... Want a sure thing for your money . Lay it down to a thoroughbred rescue . Bet on life after racing !

Samantha, We are only hearing your side of this and it would be better if you went and talked to a family counselor who could also talk to, and "take a measure" of, him and his thoughts and feelings. However, you sound very fair minded and I am inclined to think you painted the picture accurately. Based on the facts you gave us, I would say ... NO, it does not sound like you took advantage ... quite the opposite. To address a few aspects of it. 1. NAME CALLING: Men tend to do more name calling (among other men) that women do in general and men tend not to take offense to it so easily. But women are generally very sensitive to the name calling, they want to feel loved and respected and name calling conveys the opposite message to them (where guys might tend to ignore it). He might be too stupid to realize this and therefore might not mean it as literal, but just is a jerk not knowing the harm it does. It is a from of "abuse" (abuse can be physical or emotional and some contend that the emotion abuse can be worse than some physical abuse). It takes a toll over time and you should not have to be subjected to it. You might drag him to a marriage counsellor who might knock some sense in his head ... and if he sees his error, he might (or might not) change that behavior. 2. From your facts, he is an extremely selfish and self-centered person. He spends and gets what he wants (cars etc) and complains about what you spend, not for yourself (well expect part of the groceries) but for HIM and your/and his daugher. That's very inconsiderate and self centered. 3. That you earn the money and he is retired and complains as in #2 above, is the ultimate in disrespect for your financial contribution and the ultimate in stupidity and only caring about himself. 4. That's not new ... he has only thought of himself and said to hell with your family for a long time ... with all the visits being on his side and never yours and calling you "trailer trash". And sadly, apparently you tolerated it for a lot of years. Again no respect for you, no consideration for you or your family ... just a long track record of being selfish, self absorbed (self centered). You on the other hand, tolerated that for years and you were good to his family and good for him and are supporting him financially since he decided to retire (I wondered his age and ability to work? It would be consistent if he could work, but just wants to be lazy and let you work ... that would be same kind of self centered, disrespectful person). VERDICT: If my understanding of the facts, as I discussed them above, is accurate you should make your plans and take action to get rid of the bum. If you can make him leave voluntarily and keep your living quarters and that is good for you, try to do that. If he won't leave voluntarily, you will need to see a lawyer to get a Court Order which will order him to leave and will be enforced by the police if he does not then leave. Hope this helps and hope it works out for you. Rob

ROBonYEDDA@YAHOOl.com Wisdom comes from Study, Travel & Life experiences! MY YEDDA CONCEPT IS: Good questions deserve good answers; Poor ones deserve a quick/poor answer. Dumb or silly, deserves same ... and the occasional but inevitable Idiots are best just ignored.

Once it starts dear it only gets worse take some advice DIVORCE the jurk as some one else can appreacate you as you are the nomber one on this list not him. As most second marrages are better than the first but in your case move on hit the road and dont look back.

Equal justice for All The law works but the system needs changed, We all abide by the law but sometime it failes us. The same with the goverment. God bless the USA, Brign our troops HOME safely, To the men who did not get the credit they deserve, MAY GOD WATCH OVER OUR SERVICE MEN.

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