NEED RELATIONSHIP ADVISE ASAP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
I am in need of advise on what to do with my relationship problem. Below please find a brief description of my boyfriend and I and then I will explain our problems....
My boyfriend (we will call Joe) and I have been together for over a year and a half and living together for a little less than a year and a half. We moved fast. I have a 4 year old little boy and he has a 20 year old daughter. He is 45 and I am 25. He owns his own company so he works for himself and currently has no employees now so needless to say he is very busy and very stressed....
Joe and I are going through a very hard time right now. Our entire relationship has been kind of crazy. Joe can be very mean al of a sudden and mad. When we fight it can get physical. I wont go into detail there but it is not good. He has admitted ti his anger and knows it is an issue. When he gets mad he says mean hurtful things to me and after time I started saying mean things back. We both can be jealous and have trust issues.We have broken up once 3 weeks before Christmas, he broke up with me and said he wanted to end it. But after a couple of weeks we decided to work things out. We were seeing a therapist and then we stopped because I moved back in and the therapist was too far away. And just never got a new one. Things were fine for a little bit and then we were right back to not being good. Remind you, Joe is working 24/7/365 so he has some reason to be irritable, stressed, etc... We both agree that I am not working and stay at home and I work for him, clean house, run errands, etc... I have never worked while with him. So this leads me into the next part...
We just moved out of our home into another house my boyfriend owned because business has been bad and to cut cost on monthly exspenses. Joe foreclosed on that home, he also turned in his hot rod new, convertible Benz, and now is about to file bankruptcy. When I met Joe he had a beautiful $1.5 million dollar home, we always were going on nice dates, having fun, he also was renting a 28 ft. boat so we were always out on the lake. Everything seemed great so my son and I moved in. Obviously as time goes on with any relationship it starts to become reality and we are going to fight and not always look our best , etc. Well Joe lost come clients so work was not as easy anymore and Joe had to go back to work and let go of his employees. We bought a new boat together and was so happy being on it every weekend. Joe decided he was going to file bankruptcy so he stopped paying on the home we were living in ( this was a home he and his ex-fiance purchased together) and move in to the house he bought with his ex-wife because it was a LOT cheaper, great school district for my son, great restaurants, shops, etc.. So 8 or 9 months later here we are and just moved into the new home. This is where it really all begins....
His daughter was living in Athens going to hair school, it is supposed to be a 1 year course but has been almost 2 years , she had gotten into some legal trouble as well as trouble with her roomate. So Joe and I and his parents and my son went one day and moved her out and in with us at the old house. So now at the new house she was going to be living with us which was no problem actually I was excited because we never saw her so I never could try and build our relationship not as stepmom but as a friend. I would take her shopping with me, invite her to go to my sons (we will call him Alan) baseball games, etc... when I would be out and see something she would like I buy it for her. I helped or pratically did it myself but painted her stand up jewelry box the way she wanted it, she had asked her dad, Joe to put these 2 shelves together for her shoes, organized, etc... gave her a few item of mine that were nice that she could use in her room. I had been like over trying so hard to gain her approval not that Joe was expecting that. But Joe is GREAT with Alan so I wanted to be at least half as good as him to his daughter. Well then all trouble starts... I had noticed one day when she came walking in the door she was wearing my nice top. I didnt say anything to her about it then but just nice and said hey! I immediately callled Joe to come in my room after looking in my closet for my shirt and didnt see it. I told him Karen is wearing my top and didnt ask, and this is her 2nd time doing so. I have never told her no on wearing any of my stuff but I at least want her to ask before just taking. He said ok I will talk to her. Well days go by without them speaking of it, still dont have my top. I am packing for us to go to the boat for the weekend and I had just bought a few days before a cute little belly chain/belt still with tags on it. I couldnt find it, remind you my closet is sooooo organized like perfect. I knew I didnt lose it but I call Joe and told him and he said he would call Karen. After asking her if she took anything out of my closet she said no, dad I havent taken anything. So he tells me this and I know he didnt take it nor my 4 year old son so it couldve only been her. So he was upset with me for making such a big deal about it, but we are financially struggling right now and if I was to get any money I would buy for my house not me clothes. But I had gotten $500 for my taxes back so he told me to use that to buy me clothes. Well I bough my son and Joe summer clothes and got me this adorable belly chain thing and 2 cover ups. And the rest of the money I used for everyday things, so I wouldnt have to ask Joe for money. So I was VERY upset and I did make it a big deal and I know Joe had other more important things to worry about than this but I felt it needed to be addressed with her asap before it got worse. Well he never confronted her as days go by. Ever since then Karen has been comepletely RUDE, I would say hey when she walks in and she looked at me and kept walking, everyday she opens her bedroom door up lets her dog out and goes back in her room. So I took the dog out mostly every morning to potty, when Karen would be in school I would be home so I fed, took potty,etc. She has made several rude comments to me when she passes me in the hall or kitchen doesnt say anything, so I dont either. I have tried to talk to Joe about it but he gets upset and says I need to grow up. So I just stopped complainging to him and Karen and I just didnt speak. Well finally, last Thrusday I decided I was going to say somehting to Joe because I dont want to live like this in our house anymore. So I confronted him over dinner and it turned into me leaving and going to my moms house and lets just say I havent been back. But I need to give some details leading into that.
That day, I had been up since 2:30 Am because my arm I just had surgery and a cast on for 4 weeks was killing me, Joe left early that morning for work and had asked me to call his health ins. and T-Mobile to figure out why T-Mobile was charging us so much for his moms account and his health insurance to see if he still had it due to lack of payment. So doing so after waiting 10 mins with each one just to speak with someone, with us not being married they needed permission from him to speak with me so I 3 way him in. Well on the second call and me calling him in on 3 way he made it very obvious that he was aggravated. So after he sent me a text saying sorry not trying to be short with you but you dont realize how inconvienent it was to answer my F*****ing phone. I just said Wow Joe I am sorry. I thought to myself I was only trying to help you. And earlier that morning I had left to run some errands and when I came back I couldnt pull up my driveway which is a steep hill because Karen boyfriend was blocking me. So I texted Karen asking can you please tell Kevin to move his truck. 5 mins. went by so I called no answer I called Joe and he called no answer so I just parked at the bottom and walked up with the groceries and my son who just had surgery the day before on his testicles. And I explained to Joe that that was an inconvience to me but I didnt jump at Karen because I was aggravated. That sometimes you cant just speak to people certain ways because your mad or inconvienced. So later after going to my Dr. I came home and moved everything out of the way including very heav items so I could move his truck in the garage because I knew when he got home he wouldve done it. So to prevent him I did it. I knew he had a hard day at work and wanted him to come home and relax. After speaking to him on the phone and him asking what I was doing I told him I got your truck in the garage he didnt say thanks babe or awesome but he said what did you do with all the storage items I said I put them in the basement in that room with all the other xmas stuff and he said well I thought we discussed earlier putting them up in the attic and I said well I put them down until you got the boards to put down up there. After we hung up I text him saying that wasnt what I was hoping for but a thank you or awesome job wouldve been nice. He then thanked me. I dont need thank you all the time but I feel that I do so much and I never get a recognition. When it seems every other day I am telling him how proud I am of him working so hard , how he is such a great provider, always complimenting him. When he gets home he takes the trash out normaly I would help but my arm was absolutelu horribly in pain and I had already started cooking dinner. Meanwhile Karen and her boyfriend are in the basement watching a movie, they has already ate fast food and while doing that Karen asked where the dog was and I told her up in your room because she had peed all in the floor and I had already taken her out to potty. Well that made Karen mad because she then had an attitude with me. So while eatin I begin to tell Joe how I am upset and aggravated with Karen. I start to tell him how the dog peed again and of course I cleaned it up, Karens attitude with me. Well he didnt like that and starts with an attitude yelling at me and I get up go the sink to my plate up and he comes over and throws his plate at the dishwasher and shatters it plus wine glasses and my son gets scared and starts crying so I just picked my son up went to my room packed an over night bag and got my sons stuff and left to come to my moms. That made him mad, I explained I didnt want the fight to progress into getting physical, I was mad that he did that in front of my son, and I was embarrassed because Im sure his daughter and boyfriend heard. Next day, I came home, called him and said what time will you be home so we can talk. He said 15 mins, when he came home he sat down as well as myself and I asked do you want to go first or me, he said he wanted me to. So I begin to tell him what I was upset about and he just gets up and starts to shower. He says he wasnt going to sit there for an hour and have me preach. And he has never sat there more than 10 mins and heard me "preach" he doesnt like to be critisized. He can be the first to critisize on me or anyone but if someone does to him he cant handle it and gets mad. So while him showering I am trying to get him to talk to me, telling him what I am upset about and he just doesnt listen and says he isnt doing this so I said if you cant sit here like an adult and talk with me and resolve our issues than this relationship isnt going to work. He refuses to so I get my clothes and some of my sons and Ive been at my moms since. Thinking in my head we are done and I have been crying for the past 3 days, havent spoken.
To fill you in on a little bit about our past month of fighting, I started writing in a journal when he gets mad at me or i mean to me so here are a few examples:
1) My son and I had been at our boat all day cleaning it for Memorial Day weekend, on my way up to my car to go to the grocery store I see a helicoptor so I took Alan over to see it and get a picture. The next thing I know it is our friend "Chris" who is a helicoptor pilot and has a boat at our marina who we hang out with him and his girlfriend a lot. So he asks me if Alan and I want a ride so my phone wouldnt work I called from his to Joe and informed him on what was going on and Joe was so excited for me and my son. Well I failed to mention that Chris had a male co-worker with him and so the next the next night my son was at my sisters for the weekend and Joe and I had a great day on the boat has some friends come over walked up to the restaurant for dinner and drinks. We both had a few drinks so a buzz going on and when we get back to the boat just us two decides thats when he wants to talk to me about how f***ked up that was of me to go up in the helicoptor with Chris having another man there with him. I couldnt believe it, here many people who are 50 have never flown in a halicoptor and my 4 year old son who is obsessed with planes and helicoptor got a free personal flight. Got to ride up front and drive it!!!!! A once in a lifetime experience, I couldve cared less if Brad Pitt was next to me. My son is flying a helicoptor!!!But that fight turned physical and yelling and ugly. After finally going to bed the next day at the island where everyone is Joe didnt want to take his shirt off becuase he feels he isnt in good shape like he used to be or everyone else was. Remind you all the guys in our group are steroid buffs and 30-35 years old being 10-15 years younger than Joe so he admitted to feeling insecure and that whole day he would say who are you looking at, and complaining to me getting on to me. I literally sat in my chair majority of the day talking with a girlfriend next to me and Joe was 2 ft. in front of me talking with other guys. If he went back on the boat so did I. We never were a part nor did I ever check anyone out or even speak to any guys. So that was for the most part our weekend.
2) The next weekend Joe had to serve his community service time for his Dui ( dropped to reckless driving) so from 7:30 am to 2:30 Pm he couldnt have his phone on him. Well the day before he was complaining how he hates his life and he never has time for Joe time. So I asked my sister if she wanted to still watch my son that day/night. She had asked me during that week if she could get him sat. so she said yes and I met her around 12ish half way at a gas station to drop him off with her. Came straight home and Karen had been home all day. I colored my hair , waxed my eyebrows, painted my fingernails and was trying to get pretty so later that night I had planned on getting out of my mommy pj's and putting something a little more exciting on and wanted to look my best. Well at 2:30 when he gets out he calls and tells me about his day how it was miserable and asked what was I doing I told him how I met my sister and gave her Alan so we could do whatever JOE wanted to do, maybe ride the motorcycle, or whatever he wanted. He said Ill be home in 20 mins. When he came home he immediately shut the bedroom door and came at me yelling "you stupid F****ing Idiot, saying that I am manipulative and I had planned getting rid of my son so I could have free time today and tomorrow since he had comm. service again Sun. Telling me how I shouldnt have done that since that we didnt speak about that before he left that morning and I didnt tell him. But I couldnt have because he didnt have his phone on him. I kept trying to explain to him no none of thats true I just wanted to so we could have alone, relaxation time, do what Joe wanted to do since he has either been just working or comm. service. Well he kept on yelling and putting his finger in my face and I kept saying Joe get your finger out of my face well then he puts his finger on my forehead and pushes it back saying F**k you, you F****ing Idiot. So I just walked out and finished painting my nails and let him cool off and then we keft and went to dinner and never said sorry to me but finally after some small talk leaned in and gave me a kiss. So after that we were back to normal. That was his way of saying sorry in a messed up way.
3) Obviously we just moved in so I had canceld all old utilities and got the new ones on and I had Comcast come out to set up our cable,internet and phone. Well got mad at me because I was home alone with the 2 cable men and of course my son was home too. Like I would tell my son go to your room and play while mommy goes and sleeps with the cable guys?!!??!! Crazy...
4) Joe told me to find a pest control company because our house was infested with ants. So I call around found a cheap good company and had the pest guy come out. Well of course he was mad at me again for the same reason. And he had sent me a text telling me he was mad because I didnt consider his feelings after he told me that he didnt like the cable guys being there and then I do it agian with the pest man. I have never cheated on him, or much less even think about cheating! So, another day another fight....like I can help when these people can come out and if they send a male or female. I dont care as long as I have no more ants and I can watch tv!!!!!
There are so many more but that is just to name a few. So by the time I had tried to speak with him and him not wanting to I mentally couldnt handle it anymore. Obviously I dont want to break up, my son loves the man and has asked about him everyday. So today is Sunday, I texted him for the first time this afternoon saying Ill be up to the house around 1 so I can pack all of my things and that should give me plenty of time and by then he could be home so we can talk. and he says talk about what? I had said my car ( which I co-signed on, he picked it out, I had already gone to BMW where we bought it from and they offered me $30K and we owe $55K, so pretty much my only option would be repossesion because I cant afford $950 a month plus ins.) and phone and utilities some are in my name. He send me a text saying are you sure you really want to go through with this? So I call him and once again try and talk and he hung up on me I forget what I said that made him mad and I call him back and we finally communicated on both ends. Ended it with lets try and work it out we need to go to therapy again and we both need to sit down with Karen and talk. Well during that phone converstaion he had told me his ex-wife his daughters mom "Kim" had texted him and he called her back. Well I called him back after we had ended it leaving on a good note. After thinking about it I wanted to ask him why Kim had called him, so he claims she needed him to go online and take the money he had transfered her back out of her account because someone had gone online and took $25 out of her account. He had transfered $150 to her to go towards the last car payment he had for her car. She had gone and picked up a check to her for $1571.00 from when he called her to bail him out of jail 3 years ago. She had gone to his house got his hidden money and got him. So that $1571 plus the $150 was her last car payment. Long story short, his wife and him have always been very good friends since a couple years after there divorce. He paid her what he owed and then after she asked him to buy her a car and he did out of good faith and it was a jaguar newer at the time. So he has been paying it for her ever since. When we had met we all would hang out and party and then she started talking bad about Joe and how he is losing the house, etc. and bad about me. When we broke up back in Dec. he told her we were trying to work it out and she couldnt believe that and that he was crazy. When we had house parties I would invite her to be nice and she still to this day has never called me and asked hey girl what can I bring or what are you guys doing this weekend, she only called Joe. She would call Joe just to talk about anything, like as friends. But I eventually said Ive had enough she is complete bit** to me and I was done trying to be nice and putting up with her always calling so for the most part he doesnt call her not unless very important, but she will still call he just doesnt answer. So when I called him back to just ask why she called him he couldnt believe it and got mad and said he is just done trying to work this out, I was being ridiculous, and that I am t much to put up with?!?! We had already spoken to other couple friends and they all said there is no way that that is accepatble and that they would never put up with as much as I have with her. So I know I am not crazy and that he has no reason to get mad or upset about that.
So I dont know what to do, do I go back and try to save this relationship? I am madly in love with him as well as my son, I want his daughter and I to have a great relationship and I want to just all of us be happy...... I need advise asap please. If I am wrong I need to know so I can change but if he is wrong I need someone else being an outsiders opioion, and let us both know who is wrong and what we need to do.........
