Hello everyone, i am a sexual abuse survivor and been dating my current boyfriend for 4 years and 7 months, my partner is a nice guy and had been patient with me. It has been rough years, i was not in good shape, but lately been trying my best to deal with my issues. However, i still have some issues that has been difficult to tackle alone, about a year now been working on how better off my issues. In my relationship to a extent i have a problem with trust, its been difficult for me to trust him even though he been with me for years, there was one point, i told him i know i have problems with trust and i do want to work on it but would need some assistance from him, i went on searching on the net on how to build trust, they gave me a lot of helpful information, some of it was couple work and some was individual meaning me to work on individually. i showed him, and he was like "why do i have to work with you, i trust you enough, i don't need to work on learning to trust because i trust you, im tired of being the one helping you, to let me find someone else to help me" i been trying to explain to help not all the work will be with him, i as a individual need to work on it, but just need some assistance from him since i am in relationship with him. He doesn't seem to understand any of this, he always thinks when i ask him for him that i will depend only on him, although that was what i did in the past, but i am trying to change that, i want to work with him and individually on my issues, to me he thinks that im not going to change my habits, and i want to, i want to do badly, but just need help with it, here in Belize its very difficult to find a counsellor who deals with sexual abuse survivors, they are not qualified in that profession. From last year, i been working by reading the book Courage to Heal, it has been a very helpful book. I told him to read when he have the time so that he understand what i am going through, he read some of it, but i guess its hard for him to deal with it. i share with him that we can do trusting exercise to help me and it just never happen, although i am trying to work alone with trust, when it comes to the relationship its been difficult, from the start of our relationship i was having sexual issues, i was the one who just wanted to have sex, foreplay was meaningless to me, due to my abuse, but then he started to tell me that he not want only sex from me, but love, i taught i was giving love by having sex, i was confuse between sex and love, that was few years ago now i don't space out as much but still do, and then i started to notice about a year now that he no longer do foreplay and he would just have sex with me, and that's it i was more feeling crappy, because now i wanted to change that, i wanted to start enjoy sex, and i know the only way for me to enjoy sex is to take a break from sex and enjoy just being around him, just be intimate, so that i appreciate his body. In my case i have to recreate my thoughts about sex, i have to throw away the knowledge that i have learn from my abuser and install that with new positive behaviour which is a lot of work on its on. I explain all this to my partner and every time i bring it up we have a huge argument, when i explain it to him that i need a break sexually, we argue and it just never happen, so i feel stock, whenever i tell him he would respond that he his young and sex is important to him and that he is tired of hearing that i need his help and that he doesn't need to work on sex. I told him its not just for me, its also for the growth of the relationship, he doesnt want to corporate with me in my healing, so i fear so much that i have to leave him, i want to heal i know i can heal, i been trying my utmost best, i even found on amzaon the book " the sexual healing journy" which seems a perfect book to help me, i read and showed him some of the simple excersie that would help both me and him in the relationship, like the heart to heart excercise'' they are so many small excercise i share with him to help me grow and also he will benefit from it but he doenst want to do it at all, he mostly respond that he is tired of all this, and honestly he havnt done none of what i ask, i just talk and nothing get done, so i am dissatisfied just as him, i did i thought of a idea, and told him we could do a schedule, he gets is individual time and he i get my individual time the the relationship also its its time. I explain to him like on Monday he and i can be alone, then Tuesday if he still want to be alone he can do that as well, and on Wednesday we have the couples time and during that couple time we can do something fun together, or listening to audio tapes from john gray or read something to help the relationship grow,, but he said he see the scheduled as unimportant, and that he doesnt need a shedule blah blah blah, again i just got disappointed like anything what i discuss with him is no use, because it just wont happen, so i honestly feel like give up, it just seem like i will just now grow with him, he always bring up the past that i was a person with too much issues and still having them that he is tired of all this, i just cant understand why he doesnt want to accept my changes, i want to imporve myself and the relationship, but he doesnt seem like he want to improve on us, when it comes to arguments, since we both listen to john gray we even have his book but he doesnt seem to make use of the information, i told him i know the relationship itself has its own issues, and we can change that, we just need to work, and thats the problem i notice he doesnt want to work, he would say okay we will do it but it just dont happen, i know i am getting better with my other issues but the main to is the trust and sex, and i know if i would do some of the couple building excercising with him and also the sexual intimacy, i will grow and reach the goal i want to reach. I thinks he is the only one helping me with my issues and he is not i help myself and do my own work, only few times i would talk to my other female friends due to the fact that they are survivors but are not welling to make a change they choice to ignore that they have a problem, i just cant talk to friends like that, i want to work, i no longer what my old habits, i want to change and thats the problem in my relationship. I want to work but my partner acts like he want to give up so i dont know what to do.
