Adultery In Islam

Can he not try to divorce his wife if he now wants to be with you?

That is so sad .

Hi,
No offence, please, but a Muslim can marry several women..... Some think that the more women one marries means one is wealthy and a "man".....  It's hard to know how would his family react if they knew without knowing them (they could totally reject him or totally accept it..... and many shades of grey between the black and the white).   My best advice:  Move on, shut the door hermetically and cut all contacts with him..... and find someone that deserves you (that have better morals / values).   I know it's hard, almost impossible, and you sure want to kill me now, but that's the best advice one can give you (and if you follow it, one day you'll be very thankfull to me). 
I wish you the best of luck.

My friend OronD gave you a very good advice, gave him 2 thumbs up.  I would like to add some statements.  Having some relationship with  someone who has potential problems already is almost committing suicide, you are going to have a lot of heartaches, headaches and also the fact that you come from a completely different cultural background, different value system and beliefs, religion is really a big hurdle to overcome.  If you want to make life simpler, find someone who has similar values and beliefs.  It's even difficult to adjust to someone of the same morality, beliefs and values. How much more adjusting to this man?  And the fact he's married, you should just break all ties with him.  Take care and don't be blinded by your emotions. 

Let me put things in context first.

Dictionary meaning of adultery: Extramarital sex that willfully and maliciously interferes with marriage relations

According to the Pakistan’s Women's Protection Bill (3)(4), “the punishment for someone convicted of having consensual sex outside marriage to imprisonment of up to five years and a fine of Rs10,000. Rape would be punishable with 10 to 25 years of imprisonment but with death or life imprisonment if committed by two or more persons together, while adultery would remain under the Hudood ordinance and is punishable with stoning to death.” One needs to research more into this and check if one falls in the category.

Let me be very candid here. The best model of countries that have a society based on Islamic principles are Saudi Arabia and Iran. The rest have adopted laws in the light of Islamic principles according to convenience and/or the formulation of those has been according to convenience.

If one talks about Pakistan, the implementation or the practice of religion-based laws (like many countries) has been weak. Pakistan has a very mixed society. One can witness three brothers, each with a wife, living under the same roof for five years, and come to know that to this day, no brother has seen the wife of the other; due to the practice of Hijab. In the same city, in the same neighborhood, next door, one will see a family with members that drink, enjoy parties, dance and have one night stands as if they were living in Las Vegas. One could also see a large number of “moderates” with a mixed set of values from both extremes, and of course an array of other mixed inclinations.

After reading Tehmina Durrani’s (1) book, “My feudal lord”, one will come to know that she has openly stated to have had a sexual affair with a politician, Ghulam Mustafa Khar while being married to another man. Her book was published in the early 90’s. She has been living in Pakistan and still alive and unharmed to this day.

Secondly, prostitution (2) is growing in the country. A lot of married and unmarried people visit brothels on a periodic basis. The police know, the citizens know, I know, everyone knows what happens in the red light districts and who comes and goes. No action is taken as such.

Extra marital affairs and sexual relations among the middle aged and young are becoming common (5). They’re just taboo and hush hush, and not talked about openly as much.

Coming to your questions:

What options are there if he wants out?

Marry you while not disclosing that there were sexual relations before marriage. This can be done by divorcing his current wife, whom is at no fault; and then marrying you; or marrying you and having two wives, thereby penalizing both women, that are at no fault for the current situation. If he’s a practicing Muslim, he’ll need to maintain justice between both wives (6). Then again, if he was a practicing Muslim, he never would have: -

a) Been dishonest to his current spouse
b) Lied to another woman
c) Have had relations that are not allowed in his religion

Another option for him is to break his familial ties, divorce the woman and be with you.

What could happen if his family were to find out?

Depends on the family and the set of values that they follow. Individuals represent their brought up and their family. The family of a man who goes abroad and has an affair just like any individual not practicing religion, is probably to carry a mixed set of values. This put in consideration, they might protest, disown him, with a small probability of making up and taking him back; with you or without you, one can’t say.

However, the family of the woman, with whom the man has been married to, is surely to be more furious. Their actions also depend on the values that they hold. When it comes to daughters, sisters, and mothers, most families take such matters very seriously.

Do I need to be concerned for my safety?

Probably not. In such circumstances, where the other party (in this case, you), is obviously a follower of different values and comes from a different culture, completely unaware of the values that life revolves around locally; the person who was completely aware of the code of conduct is penalized for not following it. To put it simply, the man is going to face the music, as he completely knew of where he was coming from, he knew that he was committed, and still indulged in betrayal. However, the other party might face harm if it tries to intervene.

Secondly, foreigners, especially Americans, are heavily protected in Pakistan if they are in any kind of danger. Their security is especially taken care of if needed. In the event of any threatening situation, they are more secure than the locals. This is due to the war on terror and all the implications that have come with it.

However, you should seriously reconsider the questions that you should be asking at this stage. The more important questions that you should find answers for can be: -

Should I be with this man, considering that: -

a) our relationship to this day was based on a lie?
b) he did not have the character to stand up and decline to marry someone he did not know or love and still married?
c) while he was committed, he cheated his spouse while also cheating me?
d) he cheated his family?
e) he not only compromised on his familial, cultural or religious values; but universal ethical values as well by not disclosing the reality to me?
f) he is willing to destroy the life of another?
g) he has put me in an unnecessary emotional storm and worry, while also leaving me concerned for my safety?
h) if he would have ever loved me, he would have never done the above?
i) if adultery is not such an issue in Pakistan, or an issue that can be dealt with, why did he deliberately mention its repercussions to me? Is he trying to get out of the relationship using this as an excuse?

I’m sure you’ll know what to do. May The Almighty help you choose.

Regards,




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1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tehmina_Durrani
2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_in_Pakistan
3: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women%27s_Protection_Bill
4: http://www.washtimes.com/news/2006/aug/02/20060802-095409-1513r/
5: http://zagtalk.surferzag.com/?p=128
6: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oG00Zw-FvkA

I agree with OronD. You have to  move on... Read this book Married To Islam by Dalia Shah. It is a valuable book in many ways.She tells us that if you marry an Islamic man, there is a way to protect yourself as regards where you live, who gets custody of any children should you divorce, alimony, child support, where you live, and whether you can work or not-and it's all Islamic!