I am pregnant with my second child. My son is 13. His father and I are divorced; it was a bad marriage and my son was rejected by his father. Since the divorce, his father fades in and out of his life. My son is very angry about the new baby and told my new husband and me that he wants no part of it. Do I punish him or try another way to get him to be less negative and hateful? All of this really upsets my new husband, who was trying to encourage my son to be a part of the new baby/family.
Do you think you'll be comfortable enough as a new parent to leave the baby with a babysitter and go out with your son to do things? The classic issue is that the older sibling feels like his world will change and he'll lose his position in his parents' hearts. I wouldn't punish your 13-year-old. I would try another way to diffuse his negativity. First, I'd make sure I subtly protected the new baby. I'd ask your son to go out with you, with ruses like "let's pick up something for grandma", or "do you want to see that new movie with me? I heard Tron's good, but I'll never understand it without your help", etc.
Don't talk too much, just spend time together. If you are kind to him and keep doing this, he may start to talk about his worries. Just listening and talking to him, understanding and giving attention may help. When your new baby is born, don't push the relationship. Don't forget to be attentive to your older son too. And if the baby is adorable, he or she may win your son's affection on his or her own.
I am very familiar with thuis situation. The only difference is that I'm not divorced and both of my kids have the same father. The age difference is huge. My daughter is 10 and my son is 2 years old. At first she cried over everything and she just did not want to have anything to do with my son. The "I hate you mom," started to come along more often than what I expected but like always I tried to just give her space and let her vent a little bit but also venting is much more different than disrespecting. I set boundaries because there is only so much I let her vent. One thing that is true is you have to find time to spend with them. Not just for a couple of minutes or 2 hours but spend a lot of quality time. Try not to talk about the baby or bring up any subject about the baby because trust me I did that and all hell broke loose. Find out what his likes and dislikes are and interact with him. Sometimes all that is needed is not so much punishment but just a little tender, love and care.
Your son could probably do with some counseling, however, the last person who should tell your son to be a part of the baby's life is his dad. Your son realizes that with his dad saying that, he's being hypocritical. That probably makes him want to reject the baby even more. He will come around eventually, but I reccomend not pushing him.
Whoa........do NOT punish him for his feelings.........He has every right to be dismayed given what you describe. There are several unresolved issues given how you describe the previous marriage, and your son has been badly damaged. I agree that both you and your new husband will need to spend a lot of independent time with this child, and NOT bring the new baby into the picture while he is still so hostile. I really would recommend counseling NOW........do you want to have to worry about this when the new baby is born? Do you want him to take his anger and disappointment and feelings of rejection out on this new child?
Get him and your family help now and prevent future problems. Young people should be able to heal, but YOU have to provide the way to do it, and whatever is happening now is not working.
Listen, your son has every right to feel this way. He is clearly hurt from what you described, a bad childhood. As a single parent with one child, you should be more considerate. You are the only person he has! He has no other family to run to, to talk to. His father is non-existent as a mentor, and you say he is an only child. By having this new baby you are basically telling him you want a new life without him. You want a new baby, a new family, that he is not a part of. He feels he will lose you, and being honest, from the way you believe in punishing him for it, he will lose you. You are focusing on the new baby, a new family, and this is selfish on your part. Have you discussed this with him? Have you explained to your son that you will always love him? He isn't going to feel like your child anymore, he's going to be the third wheel, the outsider. You say this upsets your new husband? How do you think your son feels? Your son is related to you, your child, your flesh and blood. Your connection to him must be stronger than any other, especially with a second husband. Now he will have to share his mother with a baby that is only a half brother/sister. The baby will always have both a biological father and a mother, but your son will only have you. And now he will have to share you.
Think past your own happiness and understand your son, please, for his sake.
personally i wouldn't punish my kid, though im only 15. he has every right to be upset.dad isnt around that much, new father, new baby that is getting everything and has a dad right there. Just give it time and space, he'll come around! goodluck
Your son feels that with a new baby coming youll pay mor attention to the baby than to him which is probably true considering the hastle new children are but definately do not punish him. he is feeling rejected especialy by his biological father you should try and spend more individual time with him and show him that hes special as well. small jestures like preparing a meal of his choice 1ce or 2ice a week can show that you care. i also think he feels your current husband is trying to replace his father which is too much for him your husband should back off for a while and give him some space. also having his own room might help since he would have a personal space of his own to go to when ever he likes to think or just relax. good luck!
This is so similar to my family. I had a child and she was the only child that I had for nine years before I had my son. Before that I got Married. She felt like my husband came and took me away from her. He had two children himself that also came into her life. Everything was okay not great but okay until I had my son. She was so angry at the hospital that she cried. All I could do was to assure her that I loved her just as much. Still as of today she is 18 and he is 9 I am still married and she is still jealous. She will tell anyone that she is. I love them and nothing will change that. Her father was not always there for her either so it made it difficult for her to see my husband with his children all the time and her father was never there. Just continue to show him love and support and encourage him that he has a younger brother or sister that will look up to him and love him so much. He can teach his sibling so much positive things as they grow up. Encourage your husband to spend a lot of time with him even more when the new baby arrives. God Bless you and you family as you begin this journey!
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